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Dear Glamour Editor/Fabian's Lit Agent,

Have You NO SHAME??

Fabian Basabe.jpg

Today, I innocently opened my August issue of Glamour, anticipating a lovely hour of procrastination perusing the usual ampersand-obsessed mix of "Fashion & Beauty," "Health & Body," "Dos & Don'ts" and the occasional "My Sister/Mother/Female Dog Had Cancer & Survived" piece.

And what did I get instead??

FIVE. PAGES. OF. FABIAN. FRIGGING. BASABE.

Fabian smiling. Fabian dancing. Fabian blowing out his birthday candles. Fabian dipping various long-maned women while simultaneously posing for photos (hello, he practices in front of the mirror at home!). Fabian wondering if his butt looks big in these jeans.

My first thought was "Oh god, they've done a puff piece on Failed Former Sorta-It Boys Who Might Be Gay and Also Maybe Not As Rich As They Insinuate They Are." And then I saw it.

"It" being ... Fabian's byline. Fabian, apparently, is now a writer. Like every other New Yorker (except me), he's "working on a novel" about his favorite subject. Um, Fabian, obvi?

Wait, actually, let's think about what Fabian's favorite subjects might be ... you know, if he were to write them out all by himself.

1. FABIEN FABIAN.
2. Eyebrow Waxing.
3. Making sure Martina doesn't gain any weight. Ew, fattys!
4. Hair gel.
5. Fabian.
6. Pretending to like sex with (female) models.

Lest you think I'm being too harsh on the poor little supposedly-rich boy, please consider the following direct quotes from the Glamour article, mind-numbingly titled "Confessions of an Ex-Playboy" (Although I'm going to give Glamour a pass on this one - Fabian probably thought of the name):

- "I became a momentary national news item when I was spotted with President Bush's daughter at a nightclub ... the whole thing looked slightly debauched. It wasn't ... I know debauched." (Yeah, Fabian was BADASS! Weren't you, Fabs?)

- "I used to be a player;" (Then he helpfully defines "player" for us) "one of those guys who have a different beautiful woman on their arm every weekend." (Wait ... what's a player again?)

- "Even playboys have feelings. Even playboys change." (Ohmygod. I can so totally see this as a film! I think we get Johnny Depp to play you. No? Too sexually ambiguous? Okay, fine. Tom Cruise.)

- "When I was 11, I was given a ridiculously expensive Swiss watch that most adults could never afford. At 16 I got a BMW, which I promptly wrecked, along with my next three cars." ("And after that, my parents insisted I take driver's ed. Can you BELIEVE it? SO unfair!")

BLAH BLAH BLAH, he was a womanizer at the age of 19, then he met Martina, whom he wooed with a giant "bottle of Patron tequila." He knew she was the woman for him when she "took me shot for shot." Damn, that's romantic. After a year-long courtship, during which he "stripped down and pumped gas naked to amuse her" (Casanova has NOTHING on Fabian), he realized that he hadn't yet fucked enough bony women. "I wasn't ready for redemption." Um ... right.

Anyway, he gets kicked out of "college," goes to Cancun, and finally ends up in New York, where he blames his "loneliness" for being "addicted--not to drugs, but models." It was downhill from there.
- "I went shopping for leggy 18-year-olds with knockout cheekbones."
- "I liked to be surrounded by sexy bodies because desire was the only feeling that could overwhelm the loneliness that plagued me."
- "I was miserable. I didn't even have a job to distract me during the day." (Will nothing go right in Fabian's life?? WHY MUST HE CONTINUALLY SUFFER?!)

Blah blah blah, it continues, with no shortage of additional ridiculous quotes, but I'm bored of this subject already.

Conclusion? Fabian "wanted to do something that mattered" (in ITALICS damnit!) and the only thing he could think of was coercing poor size 0 Martina into marriage. WHEW!! Now he can spend all his time waxing his toes or whatever it is he does when he's not writing articles about being "debauched."

I think I need a nap.

Comments

I think this guy is so gay, but he doesn't even know it yet or he is too afraid to explore the issue. I've seen this clown a couple of times in public. Complete jack ass. Anyway, I love your blog!
Funny as hell. But if I didn't know any better, I would guess that this guy did you dirty. Nice Lashing.
You haven't quite reached the same level of disgust for Fabian as I have for Paris but you are on the right track
God...what a loser. Everyone knows he's gay. I don't know who he thinks he's fooling.
Keep blogging about this jackass and before you know it, you'll have the novel of yours. I'll definitely be getting a copy. What a prick he is!!!
I watched him on Filthy Rich and unfortunately have run across him in articles on page 6 and thegawker.com, why he even gets an simple byline of press is beyond me. He is a boring, jobless, in-the-closet fruitcake (I love the gays--and I am sorry he is on your team). Great sarcasm though, it made me LOL. Which is all Fabian is truly good for--well besides PITY, he is good to laugh at (not with).
thank god someone wrote about this. i saw this in glamour too and felt like i had missed some part of life that said, "who gives a fart about how you feel, FABIAN?" he'll never be george hamilton.
i know for a fact that he is gay. Many people in the fashion industry have dated him, and i have seen him kissing men at gay clubs. i dont what this kid is so afraid of. he should be himself, instead of the jackass that he inadvertantly has become
omg he's such a moron.
He's #6 on my list of 'People Who Should Not Step in Front of My Car'. And moving up FAST
The first time I ever heard of "Fagian" was on "Filthy Rich". What a self absorbed, petty and lazy bastard! He kinda creeps me out....I can't exactly put my finger on it, but..... oh, that's right...he's a creepy freak!!!!
The fact that they would give this arrogant, sad, self-aggrandizing fraction of a man a mention, let alone a full five pages is beyond me. OMG - his sense of self importance is palpaple. Get over yourself Fabian - everyone else has...
Julia, you are fabulous and by fabulous I mean too funny. I would have been horrified if I wanted to spend precious time procrastinating (as I am now) to see that crap. Bravo on seeing through the waste of five pages.
when i read this article i gasped and was horrified and called my fellow fabian haters to read it so we could make fun of it together, and i am glad you all hate it too! he is beyond pretentious.
Isn't that Mango, from SNL?
The layout rips off Barbara Kruger. Pretty shameless.
What a douche. He was on some lame show about privileged assholes on E and Talk Soup showed him snapping into action and attempting to call his lawyer or some weak crap, threatening legal action to the employees of the program he was allegedly involved with because they asked him to do some chores. Or something. Dickhead.
This is the greatest thing ever written.

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