NEW FEATURE!! The Wednesday (Night) Hump:
Tonight I'm introducing a thrilling NEW WEEKLY FEATURE, tentatively subtitled:
"Please Help Me Get Rid of the 8,693 Extraneous Self-Help/Love/Random Books That Publishers Send Me Which Are Overtaking My Very Small Apartment and Making The Boyfriend Cross!"
Listen, I love books. I vaguely remember a point in my life when I had enough time to read them (3rd grade, procrastinating studying for finals in college). Of course, now I get books sent to me every day - but offhand, I can't recall the last time I read something solely for enjoyment and not because I was writing about the author or the work itself. (Okay, okay, I can. I picked up Lolita about a month ago, just because I felt like everyone else in the world had read it / masturbated to it / written an article/song/movie that referenced it. That is some very sick shit.)
Anyway, as you can imagine, the dozens of aforementioned volumes have ceased to fit on my narrow bookshelf and have spilled onto the floor in giant haphazard stacks, threatening to topple and just generally looking ugly.
After putting up with them for months, The Boyfriend can't take it anymore. "WHY DO WE ONLY HAVE PINK BOOKS???" he wants to know. "Well, dear Boyfriend, you chose to date a dating columnist. Who often does book reviews. Of dating books. Which are frequently pink. Um ... ??"
The Boyfriend only likes the color brown. (Also taupe, tan, beige and ecru.) Additionally, out of the four bookshelves in our tiny apartment, The Boyfriend's Books dominate THREE of them, which seems a little unfair. "My books are better looking than yours," he explains. (Oh! Well, in that case ...)
The Boyfriend likes expensive Taschen books and thick art books he never opens and manly books about electronics and automobiles. He actually owns a book solely devoted to pictures of speedometers and another one dedicated entirely to the history of cell phones. (Although I just sold that one on Amazon for $10. HA!)
In any case, I have devised a Brilliant Solution to The Book Crisis:
Every Wednesday, I'll list a few books that need a new home. Whoever writes me the most clever/funny email (email@example.com) about why they want that particular book (within a week), wins. I'll send you the book (clearly I don't have enough to do) and depending on degree of wit, post the emails.
(By the way - these books are new. No, you're not allowed to regift them. Okay, fine. But only in case of emergency birthday-of-single-girl-turning-30-with-crappy-love-life.)
Be Honest - You're Not That Into Him Either - By Ian Kerner
I Used to Miss Him - But My Aim Is Improving - By Allison James
Sex, Murder and a Double Latte - by Kyra Davis