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January 31, 2007

In Miami

On a girls' trip with my blonde bombshell of a former roommate Krystal.

We're not attending the superbowl - just the parties (since apparently you have to make out with people for tickets).  Better to watch it on TV anyway.

Go Bears, woo.

UPDATE: At the Setai, where we stayed Friday & Saturday ...

January 30, 2007

FoxNews Today, 5:20ish pm

Will be on Fox News' The Big Story today discussing the latest Paris Hilton sexcapade.

UPDATE: Video, posted kindly by a favorite person of mine, below.

January 29, 2007

Fox5 at 5:45 pm

Talking about today's AM New York column and how to avoid the inevitable waves of fat attaching themselves to your thighs during burgeoning relationships.

UPDATE:  Some screen shots from today's newscast ...  I really have to find something else to wear, as this black sweater thing isn't exactly working for me.

PS - The Fox 5 anchor team has to be the most jovial in the entire city.  I've never met such happy people who weren't either on drugs and/or getting married ... ever!

How to Lose 170 Pounds Without Actually Dieting

I’ve been blessed (or cursed??) with gym-rat boyfriends for as long as I can remember.  Working out four to five times a week, they’d haul off in their sweats to lift or row or just flex their bulging muscles at the spandex-clad ladies while I’d take one look at my cute exercise clothing and flop, exhausted, on the couch.

Just thinking about it makes me want to take a nap.

Anyway, I've discovered a weight loss strategy that works far better than "going to the gym."  It's called ... "dump your boyfriend."  Oh yeah, and "don't eat food."  I think Mary-Kate Olsen knows this trick as well, although I supplement my not eating with beet juice and daily soy gouda sandwiches, so I don't think I'll be invisible anytime soon.

And without further weight-related ado, here's today's AM New York column, Dropping Pounds, Along with An Ex.

January 27, 2007

Thanks Mom

The only reason I want to have a kid is to dress her up like this and then laugh hysterically about it for, like, decades.

circa 1988?  or something.  The 80s were just a badly dressed blur for me

January 24, 2007

Words You'll Never Hear Me Say Again: TAKE ME TO THE SUPERBOWL!!!

So.  Now that the Bulls Bears are going to this giant thing they call the "Superbowl," I've decided I'm suddenly a huge sports fan.  Also, I've heard they have very good parties there.

The problem is, see, that, um ... I don't have tickets.  Or, you know, like, any money to buy them.

Which is a great opportunity for YOU.  You can take me to the Superbowl!  Also, I'd like to bring a girl friend.  If you don't mind.

So email me.  We'll talk.  I won't make out with you if you take me, but I am willing to discuss wearing a Bears cheerleader outfit to the game.  Although I think the one above may be designed for 7 year olds.

January 23, 2007

Nice Degree. Can I Have It If Your You're Not Using It?

From: Theo [redacted]
Date: Mon, 22 Jan 2007
To: Julia Allison
Subject: Advice

Good Evening Ms. Allison,

Was flipping around the television and caught your appearance on showbiz tonight. Must say your [sic] a HOTTIE, anyhow wanted to get your advice  I saw that you major [sic] in Political Science and I did as well at UCLA. My question is when did you decide that you didn't want to do anything with your degree or are you still undecided? And also what are the other possibilities for a Poli Sci major. Oh by the way my name is Theo thanks! Talk to you soon.

My favorite line, obviously, would have to be:

"when did you decide that you didn't want to do anything with your degree?"

Okay, "Theo," just admit it.  My Dad put you up to this, didn't he?

And PS - does UCLA not teach grammar anymore?  Or, say ... punctuation?  Contractions? Apostrophes?  No?  Damn state schools.

It's Almost Enough to Make Me Want to Date an Athlete


The 1985 Bears Super Bowl Shuffle.

January 22, 2007

CNN Headline News - Showbiz Tonight, 11:35(ish) pm

I'll be discussing our nation's favorite topics: American Idol/Simon Cowell being mean/ugly people who can't sing.

UPDATE: See clip below ...

January 21, 2007

Playboy's Advisor: Pretty Much the Best Job Since ... well, Hef's.

Today's AM New York column, "Chatting Up Playboy's Sexpert," features Chip Rowe, Playboy's Advisor (Knower Of All Things, Sexual and Electronic) for the past decade plus.  He's fantastically entertaining, and I can guarantee that during our lunch at Michael's two weeks ago, we were the only people in the room who integrated the word "lubricant" into our lunchtime conversation.  Several times.  (Chip's a big fan of lube)

In any case, his book - Dear Playboy Advisor - is damn amusing.  Of course, any compilation that includes the following line (from a very grateful guy about his recent threesome) ... “I wished all my guy cousins and dead ancestors and all the male friends I ever had were there to witness it" ... is obviously a must-read.

Today, Fox News, 3:40 pm

I know you're watching the Bears beat the crap out of the Saints (hopefully) right now, but if you need a break around, say, 3:40 PM EST, turn over to FoxNews, where I'll be talking about either Robert Redford's foray into demands for political apologies or American Idol's foray into insulting delusional tone-deaf karaoke junkies.

Okay, I'll understand if you stick with the Bears.

January 19, 2007

Today, Fox News, 4:15 pm

Will be discussing American Idol crap, specifically, untalented saps who should limit their singing to showers and/or mental asylums.  Or outside of Simon Cowell's bedroom window.  Because I hear he likes serenades!

UPDATE:  here's the show ...

January 18, 2007

Pussy Magnet, Defined

I'm loathe to admit that I like fast cars (because it's shallow and shouldn't we all be taking the subway and global warming is bad, etc.)  but, well, I do.  There are few things hotter than a guy driving stick shift in a tiny, impractical vehicle that doesn't do particularly well with potholes or child-seats or, you know, luggage.

So when my date last night picked me up in a Lotus Elise, I tried to act as if it were your average Ford Taurus (after all, it does have a 2ZZ-GE Toyota engine).  That lasted fifty-three seconds.  Then I squealed uncontrollably and begged him to let me take photos sitting on it.  Yes, yes, I know, I have no shame, etc, and here are the results:

January 16, 2007

Today, Fox News, 9 am

It's not that I have a problem waking up at a reasonable hour (reasonable = 9:30 am), but after spending THREE freaking hours frantically attempting to fast-foward through the self-congratulatory snoozefest that was the Golden Globes last night, I don't really feel like popping out of bed at 7:30 am to talk about it.

That said, I'm going to anyway.  So if you're up, I'll be on FoxNews at 9 am discussing Vanessa Williams' hair (channeling Diana Ross) and Cameron Diaz's dress (personally, I liked it) and Prince getting stuck in traffic (sure, if by traffic you mean "coke") and Jennifer Hudson and America Ferrera proving that one can still look hot and not be a size 2 (cue girl power crap here).

I probably won't mention how goddamn annoying E! babbler ("on air personality") Guiliana DePandi is.  All I could think while she was "interviewing" celebrities was "someday a celeb is going to do the right thing and just punch her" and when they do, I will repeatedly watch it on YouTube and laugh hysterically.

January 15, 2007

I Heart Geeks, Nerds, Dorks ... If They're HOT.

It's a holiday Monday - no column today (I know, you're devastated) - so in lieu attempting to be witty, I'll just share a few shots from COED magazine's "I Heart Geeks" shoot.

The fellow attempting to impersonate a "geek" in these photos happens to be a delicious combination of computer programmer slash model.  Mmmmm ... Two words: Marriage. Material.

More nerd photons after the jump ...

January 11, 2007


I wasn't on party crash detail, so I won't really get into the Village Voice gossip columnist Michael Musto's book launch Tuesday night except to say it was very, very, very gay.  I mean, exceedingly gay.  Gayer than Ryan Seacrest.  Gayer than Anderson Cooper.  Gayer than Neil Patrick Harris.

Mmm, Neil Patrick Harris.

But then again, that's to be expected for a party hosted by Perez Hilton, below.  Who is gay.  In case you weren't aware, I've drawn it on his photo.  You know, just to remove any lingering doubts from your mind.  In other words, LADIES, HANDS OFF!  Seacrest, on the other hand...

photograph by the lovely Kate.  Photoshop addition by me.

More gay happy photos after the jump.
with Joan Rivers.  who is HOT, by the way.  and looks a lot like my grandma.  with slightly ... tighter ... features.

with Brooke Parkhurst

January 10, 2007

Fan Mail That Warms Your Heart

From: [Redacted]
Date: Thu, 11 Jan 2007
To: Julia Allison
Subject: career

I saw you on Fox blabbing away about Trump and Rosie, and your website url was on the screen so long that I felt compelled to logon.

Wow, you really are a vacuous little nothing.  You prove just how far a telegenic face can take you these days.

Well, isn't that sweet.  But ... um ... I'm a little confused by his choice of subject line - "career"?   That doesn't really make any sense.  I would have written:

Subject: career why you don't have a good one


Subject: your career sucks

or better yet, because it's all-encompassing and more to the point ...

Subject: you suck

Whatever, he called me "telegenic"!!!

Today, Fox News, 5 pm. Just Guess What I'll Be Talking About ...

The war in Iraq!!

Okay, obviously not.  I'm pontificating about the Rosie-Trump tiff.  Of course!

Wait, is my confinement to feud-analysis because I don't have a nice enough rack?  If so, I'm willing to go head to head chest to chest against Rachel Sklar or Amanda Congdon so I can start doing political commentary (or getting tasered) instead of merely praying Trump hasn't yet seen any of the half dozen times I've dissed him on national television.  Do you think if he had, he would sue me or just have one of his friends steal my boyfriend?  That would be hard, of course, because I keep several decoy boyfriends around, just in case.

January 09, 2007

Dubious Honors Are My Favorite Kind of Honors

with Gawker Managing Editor and Balthazar breakfaster Lockhart Steele

So sweet, those munchkins over at Gawker.  They've named me one of their 2006 Personalities of the Year, which means that it's all downhill from here, obviously.  After all, where else could I be on a list with Judith Regan, Tinsley Mortimer and Jared Kushner?  Um ... nowhere else, I assure you.

Apparently I've made their lives "that much more tolerable this year."  If only my editors/boyfriends/parents felt the same way.

January 08, 2007

Memo to Rosie & Trump: Just Sleep with Each Other Already

I'll be on Hannity & Colmes tonight (9:30 pm EST) discussing - for the third freaking time in as many weeks - the Rosie-Trump feud.  There are a host of things I could say at this point, all of them highly sarcastic, but instead, I'll just quote Trump's future ex-wife:

"Well, I think she has a really issue and problem with herself, anger inside and she need to work on that.  If you watch 'The View' you can see how hatred she has toward my husband.  Nobody ask her to tell any story anyway so what's her problem?  She should read his book. In every book he say, if somebody attack you, you attack them ten times harder ... but back, you know?"

how hatred indeed!

umm.  right.

Back to Work, Bleh

Cape Town's most infamous little known stripper pole.

Back after three weeks of vacation, today's AM New York column.

Yes, I realize I totally phoned this one in, but in my defense, I wrote it (and by "wrote" I mean, quoted random people) by the pool, where I wasn't really in any sort of mood to actually, you know, develop original thoughts.

January 02, 2007

New Years 2007. Celebratory Hat Not Included.

Apparently the chic people of Cape Town are too cool for New Years' hats (see entry below) and I didn't think to bring my own, so it was a bare-headed - but elegant - New Years.  Also, they forgot the countdown (no raucous Americans to start it) so I had to yell "10, 9, 8" quietly to myself.  Nothing like starting out a new year with "shut the fuck up" looks from fellow guests.  Makes me feel like I'm home in New York.  Aww.