BREAKING(ish) NEWS!* Julia Brand New Dating Columnist at Time Out New York
Hurray! Someone is willing to hire me!! Parents "Shocked, Confused"
Now, listen here, people. For the past two months (since I stopped writing AM New York's dating column), I know you've all been wandering about, aimlessly lost, devoid of direction or purpose, unable to think clearly, steadfastly bewildered, scared and alone, muddled and nonplussed, hopeless and ... okay, that's enough. Anyway, you probably wondered to yourself, "Self, where should I get all my dating advice now that Julia no longer writes an actual dating column and instead just posts photos of herself on her blog, not smiling in the exact same way every single time??"
Well, Self - Your Self, that is - the brilliant weekly magazine Time Out New York has come to your rescue, and by "your" of course I mean mostly my ex-boyfriends, who are relieved that now I'll have to go on dates with new men instead of emailing the old ones at 2 am to wonder angrily why they're taking other women to Jamaica and Dubai and London and the Bahamas, even if I did dump (most of) them in the first place. (Whatever. It's not like I gave them permission to actually enjoy life without me.)
Right. So my new column - called BLANK (we'll get to that in a second) - will run every week in Time Out's print edition and at the following URL - www.TimeOutNewYork.com/dating. Bookmark it, bitches! Please?
Now. As for that name ... here's the deal. I couldn't think of anything absolutely beyond amazing (or even, you know, anything at all), so I'm letting other people do the heavy lifting and having a PLEASE JUST NAME THIS COLUMN FOR ME, C'MON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO, EVERYONE'S DOING IT CONTEST. Look, this will be my fourth dating column (the first three being The Georgetown Hoya's "Sex on the Hilltop", COED magazine's "Sex Editor", and amNewYork's "The Dating Life"), and my fifth column overall (yes, I wrote one my senior year in my high school paper. It was beyond crap, actually. It was super crap. Craptastic, really, if "tastic" indicated more "superlative of crap" and less "sort of awesome"). And you know what? I think it's clear I'm not really that great with the uber clever column names, and I'm okay with that. It's cool. So you do it for me.
In return - cause, really, who does anything for free nowadays? - you'll receive a dinner for two courtesy of Time Out, and you can invite me or, if you're just not that into me (also totally fine), invite someone you'd actually want to sit and look at during a meal. You'll also get two dating advice books of your choice. I know, I know, try to calm yourself down. Breathe. Really, no, inhale.
And go enter the contest!!!
*Thanks to Gawker, Jossip, and Mediabistro for sweetly covering the announcement, including my personal favorite portion of the press release, which I assuredly did not write: "[Julia is] a notorious figure with a notorious figure." Two words: obit material.