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June 29, 2007

This Week's Time Out Column!



My Time Out column this week - "Starving Artist" (which should really have been entitled "How Total Douchebags Get Laid") is better read with proper background.  Namely, the actual "treatise" that Mr. Paul Janka, a Harvard grad and the douchebag in question, penned back in 1995, in a failed attempt to get a book contract, and yeah, make sure everyone knows just how whittled his bed posts are from all those drunken notches.  Classy!

Arm yourself with a garbage can in which to vomit and read Janka's "Getting Laid in NYC" here.

June 28, 2007

Fox's Morning Show with Mike & Juliet

Watch today's Mike & Juliet Relationship 101 segment: Secrets Couples Keep from Each Other
(Also, see - as usual - my hair look horrifically craptastic.  Jesus, you get ONE BAD HAIRCUT FROM A CRAZY UNLICENSED STYLIST WITH A MULLET and you're punished for months ...)

June 27, 2007

Surprise!


Above, with FoxNews' Jill Dobson, who is, suffice it to say, a really tough act to follow

Big, exciting news!!  As of today, I am the brand new editor-at-large for Star magazine, handling their television appearances.  NY Post media columnist Keith Kelly broke the story this morning in his column (last item).  I'll be replacing the stunning, kind (she's from the midwest, it's practically required) and unnervingly-articulate-about- everything-at-6am Jill Dobson, who is now an entertainment reporter for FoxNews.

I'm beyond ecstatic, obviously!  This just goes to show that life has a tendency to come round full circle - I once wrote a column about my new boss, Bonnie Fuller, explaining her approach to life (Bigger! Faster! Fuller!  Get it? Har).  Now I too plan to crusade against organized sock drawers.  Clearly this is the perfect job.

I would like to thank God Candace Bushnell, my agent, and the self-help aisle at Barnes & Noble.  Without them, I'd be an accountant with a closet of Ann Taylor and a mean Excedrin habit.  Whew!  Three words: Dodged.  Lotsa.  Bullets.

*I will continue to write my column in Time Out New York, which will even (uh, hopefully) one day have a name.

June 22, 2007

Milan. And Lake Como.

Occasionally I think to myself "I do not, in any way, deserve my life."  (You may think this constantly.  I don't entirely blame you.)  This is one of those times.  I'm going to Milan, very short notice, will be back Tuesday.  I plan to do things like, breathe (see yesterday's stress related post).  Also, sleep.  And, eat.  In conclusion, in no way do I plan to work like I did in St. Lucia.  So, Fun.  Good times.  See ya next week.

Update: by Milan, of course, I meant Lake Como.  ;)

June 21, 2007

This Week's Time Out Column!

Gawker's indefatigable-ish Emily really summed up this week's column, "Share-ing is Caring," far better than I could:
Time Out dating columnist Julia Allison asks, 'Is it okay to kind of whore yourself out in order to have a place to crash in the Hamptons on the weekends?'  ... Her own personal answer is, 'Maybe not!' See, she's been burned: "Right now [the Hamptons] is "just a place" where the last three men I dated all have houses. Houses to which I am definitely not invited. And, let me assure you, summer is not as much fun when other women are swimming in your ex's pool."
Right.  Well, pretty much that's all you need to know about the column right there.  If you're dating a guy with a pool in the Hamptons, you're probably dating an ex of mine.  Give him back.   Or set me up with your friend?

Thanks.

June 19, 2007

It Happened Last Weekend

Missing gratuitous glamour shots?  Yeah, thought so.  Well, enjoy, cause you're not getting much prose out of me this week ...  I'm having some sort of stress related anxiety attack kind of thing going on, and it's infringing on my ability to even focus on procrastination-based-blogging.  Which is a new low, even for me.

Below, with the incredible Alyssa Shelasky (Glamour's dating blogger), at the College Humor carnival themed party last Saturday night in the Hamptons.   Alyssa has to be one of (if not THE) nicest girls I've ever met in Manhattan - I absolutely adore her, and will be staying at her Southampton house as often as she'll have me ;)


Alyssa has legs that make grown men cry.  Seriously.

See evidence at bottom right hand corner.  Mmm.  I'd rather eat an enormous, so-sugar-saturated-it-would-kill-small-dogs grocery store birthday sheet cake than literally anything else, save perhaps just a can of frosting, straight up.  Yes, I realize I have a problem.

June 18, 2007

Time Out On-Demand Video of the Week!

In addition to my weekly column duties over at Time Out New York, I do these little videos for their On-Demand channel (and the internets!)  Basically, I put on a lot of makeup and read my column at a camera guy while trying not to stumble over words like "AmEx" (apparently it's pronounced "AM ex" not "AEY-Mex" which is how my Chicago accent had been mutilating it).

Super fun, right?

Check out the first two:

"Don't Take Me On a Boring Date"

"Take Me on a Cheap Date Instead!"

June 15, 2007

And the Finalists Are ....

Ladies and Gentleman!  I know there's nothing you like more than a good "name that dating column" contest that never ends, but alas, all misguided experiments must come to their just conclusion at SOME point.

SO!  Thanks to the 250 people who entered - and especially to those cheeky bastards over at Datehole, who compiled quite the extensive list all on their own.  Nothing really expresses the essence of my column like "Dating for Fun and Profit," ""You're Too Stupid to Date by Yourself" and of course, the classic "Carrie Bradshaw is Fictional."  (or IS SHE?)

The finalists for the 2007 Time Out New York dating column contest are ... 

MOST DESCRIPTIVE
Dating Info and Stuff
Dating, Schmating

IT'S POSSIBLE
Up to Date
It Happened Last Night
The City That Sometimes Sleeps
Save the Date!
It's a Date!
Single File
J. Date (ed: hahahah)
Rendezviews
I Heart NY

CHEESY
Time Out, Lover
Allison in Dating (ed: A lesson, get it?)
Tales from my Bed
Message of Love
The City that Never Sleeps ... Alone
Dateline (ed: Um ... Think that's already taken)
Romeo & Julia

REALLY BAD PUN-AGE
Sex Degrees of Separation
Scrubs, Whores, and Mimbos--Oh My!
Cun't Hardly Wait
Tease for Two
Sexy Driver
The Sinful Life
In a New York Date of Mind (ed: har har)

UM ...
The Daily Clap
Romeo, Juliet and the Hotdog Cart
T&A with Julia Allison
Banana in the Fruit Basket
The Future Mrs. ____
Sex in a NY Minute (ed: one should not aspire to be a minute man)
Dating Yourself

IT'S NOT A FREAKING "SEX" COLUMN!  IT'S A DATING COLUMN!
Deep Inside Julia Allison
Julia Allison: Pounding the Flesh
Pimpin' NYC
Coital Conundrums
Menage a Julia
I'll Screw Manhattan
Seriously Twisted Dating CLINIC, with Julia, Your Naughty Nurse of Nasty Nightlife (ed: this suggestion was from my COLLEGE POLYSCI PROFESSOR.  Dear GOD)

NOT QUITE THERE
Make-out Artist
Dispatches from The Jungle
Whore in the City (ed: clever!)
Small Talk?
Not Willing to Settle
InterSexTion
You Again?
My Very Own Dating Column

CONFUSING
Lost in the Rambles (the author said it was an 'ode to central park')
New Yorker? I just met her
Fishnet
Hopeful Apples
You Can Call Me Allison, but That's Not My First Name (wink).  (ed: Um ...)

Complete* List of Suggestions after the jump ...

*more or less

  • The In and Out
  • J.Date
  • Sexytime Outings
  • Just in the New York Time
  • MasterDating with Julia
  • Sex & The 6 Train
  • Pimpin' NYC
  • Love & Taxi Cabs
  • Time Out of Mind
  • To Live and Date in NY
  • Make Out New York
  • The Daily Cooze
  • The Good Nighter
  • Play on Players
  • Date Zilla
  • Rendezviews
  • Love Matters
  • Gender War games in Gotham cave dwellers
  • Romeo, Juliet and the Hotdog Cart
  • Dating Anyone?
  • Clock in on Your Love
  • Love Shack
  • The Dating Confessional
  • I'll Screw Manhattan
  • Sexiles of Manhattan
  • Laid End to End
  • Long Before the Afterglow
  • Scrubs, Whores, and Mimbos--Oh My!
  • Desperate in Manhattan
  • Naughty Nurse of Love
  • Seriously Twisted Dating CLINIC, with Julia, Your Naughty Nurse of Nasty Nightlife
  • Afternoon Delight
  • Dates and Nuts
  • Dating Yourself
  • My very own dating column
  • Dating Insider
  • Dating Info and Stuff
  • How to Date Like a Pro
  • Love is a Battlefield
  • Just Teasing
  • Aiming to Tease
  • Catch & Release
  • By Myself
  • Duly Dated
  • The Big Apple's Amour
  • Dateless in NY
  • Dating by Numbers
  • Cunt Hardly Wait
  • Big Apple Aspriations
  • Dating NYC and the Planet
  • Carbon Dating NYC
  • Nothing's New Under the Sun - Except Dating with Julia Allison
  • Updating your Dating Universe
  • Labor of Love
  • Come Together
  • For Love or Money
  • Singled Out NY
  • Sex, Love and The Big Apple
  • Big Apple Lovin'
  • Big Apple Delight
  • Couples Therapy
  • Sexopolis
  • Gotham Grinders
  • Getting Gotham
  • Get Some Gotham
  • Mate in Manhattan
  • Julia's Garden of Earthly Delights
  • Snide and Promiscuous
  • Taint it the Truth!: Sex in the Modern Era
  • The Naked and the Unsaid
  • Don't Hate Me, Hate the Game
  • As I Lay Pining
  • The Mistress of Prissness
  • The World According to Gab
  • The Dater's Digest
  • The Sexual Shaman (Shawoman)
  • The Trials of Courtship
  • Coital Conundrums
  • Sex, Lies and Pontificate
  • I Love NY
  • I Heart NY
  • Between the Sheets
  • Menage a Julia
  • The Daily Clap
  • T&A with JA
  • Deep Inside Julia Allison
  • The Assifiles
  • Pounding the Flesh
  • Banana in the fruit basket
  • Hopeful Apples
  • Time-IN New York (acronym, TINY heh)
  • Or Two Time New York
  • Time Out, Lover
  • In the City That Never Sleeps (Alone)
  • The Hot Sheets
  • Pick Up Nights
  • Lonely Too Long
  • Conversation Peace
  • Looking!
  • GridLock Datin
  • I’ve Got More First Names Than Dates
  • Adult Friend Finder
  • Poll Me
  • HuffHo
  • The Dry Hump
  • That Time of the Month Week
  • No Means No
  • Retarded Dater
  • Carrie Bradshaw is Fictional
  • You’re Too Stupid to Date by Yourself
  • Arched Backs are Hot
  • This Will Someday Be a Book So Don’t Worry About It
  • I Went to Georgetown and All I Got Was This Lousy Column
  • Dating for Fun and Profit
  • Communicable Ideas
  • Golf Pencils in Mine Shafts
  • How to Be With Leather, Forever
  • [COLUMN NAME] sponsored by Valtrex
  • Link Whore
  • The Panty Trade
  • Just Not That into This Column
  • Single Sexcapades
  • New York Steamy
  • Kiss & Tell
  • Anatomy of a Hook Up
  • Two on the Aisle
  • Desparately Seeking Coupledom
  • Small Talk
  • Sex & the City

June 14, 2007

Giving a New Meaning to "Best Political Slogan Ever":
"You Can Barack Me Tonight"

I am absolutely OBSESSED with this video.  Seriously.  Oh my god.

June 13, 2007

Breaking Up Easier with Boas, Al Roker

Perhaps men would be a bit more careful about flagrantly cheating if they knew their ridiculously hot ex would go on the Today Show to say he's one giant mistake of a slimeball.

Above, a screenshot from the "Movin' On" party we threw for my gorgeous, brilliant, pink-dress wearing friend Meghan, complete with boas, tiaras, and cosmos (at 1 pm on a Sunday afternoon!) for a Today Show segment about the new book It's a Breakup, Not a Breakdown.  It aired yesterday, but you can watch it here - and you should, if only to hear Al Roker say "Show of hands, who thinks Meghan is going to have a hard time getting another boyfriend?  She's GORGEOUS!" and then laugh hysterically.

Um, exactly!

June 11, 2007

This Morning, Fox News Fox&Friends, 6:15 am. Yes. AM.

At what is practically the middle of the night, I'll be talking Paris Prison talk.

I've never said this before, and you'll probably never hear me say it again, but I actually agree with Andrea Peyser's assessment of the situation.  Too bad she had to go for the sexual jugular at the very end ... I mean, Paris is many things, but an "ignorant slut"?  Eh ... Ignorant like a fox.  As for the s-word, well, I think it's completely inappropriate to use that term, pretty much ever.  My problem with Paris has nothing to do with her sexual activity or supposed promiscuity, and bringing that into the discussion almost negates the rest of Peyser's (rather solid) argument - that Hilton is a spoiled, obnoxious brat who has never been told "no."

So yes, I'm finally and irrevocably against her.  I always thought she was amusing, deceptively clever, and played her role well.  But the whole "I have mental distress from going to jail so how about I just stay home instead" thing rubbed me the wrong way.  JUST SERVE THE GODDAMN TIME!!  Seriously, how hard is it to pretend it's a very, very spartan version of rehab, which is so totally in right now?  Also, an opportunity to lose weight (like, hurray! Usually those cost money!)  This is why she didn't make it as an actress.  And for christssake, it's two freaking weeks!!  TWO WEEKS!!  I've gone camping (essentially the same thing, but more mosquitoes) without cell phones/mattress material/toilets for that long!!  (and you know if I can do it ...)

Anyway, whatever.  Just watching the cameras swam her house during the debacle as if it was actually relevant to people's lives made me ill.  I'm thinking of pulling a Lloyd Grove ban and never speaking/writing/thinking of her again, except in my case it wouldn't be to get attention for my gossip column, it would be to continue my clearly naive and misguided belief that this world is a fair and just place.

June 08, 2007

Back from St. Lucia


At LeSport, a Sunswept Resort in St. Lucia.  (We stayed at Cotton Bay most of the time, however)

No bikini shots here!  Because I'm classy now.  Also, someone's gained a little weight, which I think could perhaps stem from a diet mainly consisting of french fries and Milky Ways, while continuing to live in the deep denial that confuses "paying for a gym membership while remaining more or less unclear as to said gym's location" as "exercise."  (No, seriously.  Once I actually tried to go there - 2nd time since LAST AUGUST, and after walking around for a while, I couldn't find it, so I gave up and got a mid-afternoon sugar snack at Whole Foods instead).  Other activities rounding out my daily physical fitness routine: "trudging to corner deli for the purpose of purchasing very large, very moist, very chocolate chip cookies" and "getting out of bed."  Sigh.


At Rendezvous, another St. Lucian resort, although one I wouldn't recommend, due to their incredibly offensive and backward stance on gay couples (they won't let them stay there).  Bizarre.

June 05, 2007

How about "Everybody's Doing It"?

Time Out New York's Dating Column naming contest EXTENDED one more week!

CLICK HERE TO NAME MY COLUMN

So far, suggestions have ranged from "I Heart NY" (um, how terribly ... Creative) to "The Daily Clap" (it's not daily, but thanks) to "Two Timing New York" (Get it? Time Out?  Two Time?  Sigh.) to "Banana in the Fruit Basket" (Yeah, umm ... ).

In other words, I need more ideas, damnit.  And you'll get a free dinner for two as a prize if you win!!  You don't even have to take me with you!  So send them in, or else I'll be forced to go with "T&A with JA" which is really humiliating.

June 04, 2007

This Week's Time Out Column

WHY I'M A DATING EXPERT AND YOU'RE NOT.

I say that sweetly, of course.  With love and all sorts of respect.  Because I'm all about respect.

June 03, 2007

In St. Lucia until Thursday

I leave for the airport in less than two hours and I haven't started packing yet.  Nothing like a little procrastination to get a vacation started right.

#%(*#%)*@#*$%#%!!! 


June 02, 2007

Girl Politics on Fox

On FoxNews' Fox&Friends this fine Saturday morning, talking politics - GIRL POLITICS, BITCHES!  Specifically, explaining the key "cool" voting bloc of 2008 - dubbed "Single Anxious Females" (first mentioned in a New York magazine article a few weeks ago).

Unmarried women make up 25% of the voting public, and this particular demographic will supposedly replace the proverbial "soccer moms" of the Clinton years and the "NASCAR dads" of the Bush era.  More "King of the Hill" than "Sex and the City," Single Anxious Females aren't a sure shot for either Dems or the GOP (oo! possible swingers!  exciting!) although Hillary has been courting them hard-core.  They're described as young (18-44), not affluent (most make under 30k), uneducated (14% have college degrees), with a predilection for moving frequently, country music (ew) and heavy tv watchage - 4.22 hours a day (WTF!!  Who has that much time!? and yes, I realize "watchage" isn't a word.  It should be, though.)

In any case, these fems are PISSED about the "direction" of the country ("I said LEFT!  GO LEFT you asshole!") and they want change, damnit!  But mostly they just want "equal pay" and "affordable health care," which I take to mean "a living wage" (the nerve!) and "craploads of cheap birth control."  Then again, with all that tv watching, who has time to have sex/go shopping??

Hmm ... and therein lies the insidious sexism of talking gendered politics.  Even the given adjective for this new demo - "Anxious" - strikes me as questionable.  Would we ever describe men who were concerned or angry about the state of political affairs as "anxious"?  Um, no.

Then again, maybe I'm being the pretentious PC police here, which is sort of distasteful in and of itself.  After all, a Hillary advisor coined that particular term - the writer of the NY mag piece wanted to call them Single Hungry Females.  Nothing like including the anorexics for once!  (Perhaps Nicole Richie could be the spokesgirl).

That said, "hungry" isn't terribly inaccurate, even if it's easily misconstrued to be slightly beside the political point.  (I'm guessing the writer meant "Hungry for change" but I can't help but read it as "Hungry for cookies."  Mmm.  Cookies. )  I suppose it's better than Single Dieting Females, although that's really redundant.  Except, um ...  Did I mention I had Mac & Cheese for dinner, chased by a Milky Way and a 500 calorie espresso chocolate-chip cookie?  Ugh.  Single Binging Females is more like it.

June 01, 2007

CNN, Showbiz Tonight -
on Why Lindsay Should Not Be Allowed to Turn 21

On CNN Headline News' dishy Showbiz Tonight with VH1's talented David Caplan - he had a whole host of actual, serious-sounding sources (lawyers! club owners!), where I merely ranted about the bizarre irony of Michael Lohan saying that Lindsay is a "child" not a "golden goose" and should be treated as such.  Ummm ... right.  Hey Michael?  Maybe you should have thought that way before you pitched a reality show about your divorce, starring her.  But whatever!  Reality shows so don't count, right??