I'm not into drugs.  I don't much drink - except an occasional glass of red - (hello, resveratrol!!).  I've never even smoked - although I've been guilty of "holding one to look cool/skinny."  (Whatevs, it was high school college.  You know you did the same thing.)

So why is it that I have a horrible, unbreakable, irrevocable addiction - OBSESSION, really - with the enormous chocolate chip cookies my 24-hour corner deli sells for a mere $1.50?  And by "obsessed" I mean really, really obsessed.  I-dream-about-them obsessed.  When-I'm-in-other-cities-I-wonder-how-they're-doing obsessed.  I'm-know-what-days-the-baker-delivers-them-(Tuesday-and-Friday) obsessed.

So, given this level of ... ah ... excitement over a mere cookie (albeit a very large and moist chocolate chip laden cookie), I wondered if someone might explain, you know, exactly what's going on in my obviously defective brain.

Like, I get the concept of sugar-addiction, the whole glycemic index thing, but only to a point.  And, really, aside from moving apartments (I've considered that), is there anything to be done about this situation?  My size 27 (uh ... or 28) jeans depend on it.

I called my resident Knower of All Things Nutrition Oriented, FAKE EXPERT.  The rigorously informative interview totally made up interview below. ** (Yeah, I was going to actually do an interview, but I got too lazy.  Anyone want to just email me the answers to these questions?  thanks.)

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ME: So, can you please explain why I love this cookie more than anything in my life, including but not limited to: my mother, any of the men I'm dating, my dog and Jon Stewart?  Okay, maybe not Jon.  But the rest.

FAKE EXPERT - Blah blah blah ... Sugar is like crack.

ME - Really, crack, huh?  And I thought trans-fats were bad!  That crazy New York mayor banned those, but not cookies.  What's up with that?

FAKE EXPERT - Blah blah blah ... Trans-fats and sugars both turn your body into a cesspool of subcutaneous blubber.

ME - Yikes!  And that's the worst kind?  By "worst" of course I mean "most lumpy."  So what can I do to kick this sick habit?  I'm thinking about using right now, actually.  STOP ME!!!

FAKE EXPERT - Blah blah blah ... If you can make it through four days sans sugar (any sugar), the drug-like addiction urges will diffuse themselves.  Or you could try chaining yourself to your desk.

ME - Okay, well, I have these faux diamond studded handcuffs some publicist sent me after Paris went to jail.  Should I just use those?

FAKE EXPERT - Blah blah blah ... Pretty much!