Knows How to Party! Wasted Two Hours of My Life.
Their "party" yesterday night really blew. And it's not just because they didn't yet have a Google Husband Finder (TM), even though I asked specifically for them to get on that, already. It's because of (but not limited to):
1) them having security that would be appropriate if we were entering Angelina & Brad's hotel room, or, say, The Pentagon, but yeah, not really for a "consumer media welcome event." There were like four checkpoints, and more Google employees "monitoring" the room than actual reporters attending the event. Also, they actually TURNED MEDIA AWAY, which was confusing, because it was a really sparse crowd - all of seven registered guests had actually showed. And they were from budgettravel.com.
2) them passing out freaking primary colored BABY BOTTLES (but calling them "sports sippers" ... uh. right.)
3) them having the crappiest food (cold & gross mac & cheese, cold & gross pizza, just gross sushi, and GOLDFISH?) since I last ate at my high school cafeteria. Except my high school cafeteria WASN'T WORTH 10 BAJILLION DOLLARS.
4) them not realizing that their stupid event had NO FREAKING POINT. Why am I here? What is the REASON for this? I asked myself repeatedly, and sometimes my shrinking violet party-companion, Emily Gould. The answer, according to the strange hovering spokespeople, was to "introduce the consumer media to how Google could be a part of every moment in your life." Ah, now I see. Creepy. And, well, not really true! Other than showing us Google calendar (um - wow. Yeah, already knew about that. Already determined it was crappy!), and Google photo something or other uploader, I couldn't figure out how this event showed me anything other than Google took their "Primary Colors" theme very seriously (I matched, luckily.)
5) and finally, the most egregious, least explicable Google move of them all - the directive that "no photos or video shall be taken at the party or on the premises." Um ... huh??? WHY!?!?! They had no clear explanation for this, other than it was "just a decision they had come to." Sure! That makes sense!! Invite the press with the intention of sucking up to them but TELL THEM NOT TO COVER IT - and, while you're at it? Act like you're trying to hide something in a really sketchy way!! Brilliant PR move, right there. Who's doing evil now, bitches???
6) One more thing: their offices really suck.
That little yellow square I'm holding says "Google" on it. Maybe if they had spent their money on a GOOD CATERER instead of POINTLESS LANDFILL-READY PLASTIC LOGO-EMBLAZONED FAKE ICE CUBES, they'd have had a better party. but no.
Here's the 2 second video I did manage to film, before Evil Google Lady told me "it wasn't cool."