He always said he would call when I finally moved out of my old boyfriend's place, and he had seen the Vimeo video I shot - as an odd coincidence, I was wearing the emerald earrings he gave me last Christmas. I guess that's what prompted him to call.
It was so weird to hear his voice. But what was even more odd was that I didn't feel ... the way I thought I would. I was so angry and hurt when he stopped speaking to me, but god, now I'm incredibly glad he did. It was the only way to really move on. I mean, I care about him, I always will. I still think about him. But I'm pretty happy right now, and despite my continuing commitment-phobia, I'm enjoying my current love life.
I used to think that when I felt emotions about men while I was in relationships, that was the way things were and they would always be that way - because I felt them so strongly! They HAD to be true! I was CONVINCED I would marry A--. Then I was CONVINCED I would marry M---. And now? I'm no longer convinced of anything. (For the record, those are the only two men I've ever considered marrying. And yeah, neither are my ex-fiance. The irony does not escape me.)
I can't decide if the realization that it's difficult to trust yourself or your feelings in love is frightening and sort of depressing, or if it's empowering and sort of a relief. Maybe a little of both. I think the end result is that I'm more likely to enjoy the moments of falling and being in love, because I know they're ephemeral ... you might as well savor them while you can, right?