I was going to go to sleep early tonight (under the covers at 10:30 - a RECORD), but something prompted me to get up and turn on my laptop.  And then I glanced over at my phone, on silent (it's always on silent), and I saw a number which hadn't called me in five months ...

He always said he would call when I finally moved out of my old boyfriend's place, and he had seen the Vimeo video I shot - as an odd coincidence, I was wearing the emerald earrings he gave me last Christmas.  I guess that's what prompted him to call.

It was so weird to hear his voice.  But what was even more odd was that I didn't feel ... the way I thought I would.  I was so angry and hurt when he stopped speaking to me, but god, now I'm incredibly glad he did.  It was the only way to really move on.  I mean, I care about him, I always will.  I still think about him.  But I'm pretty happy right now, and despite my continuing commitment-phobia, I'm enjoying my current love life.

I used to think that when I felt emotions about men while I was in relationships, that was the way things were and they would always be that way - because I felt them so strongly!  They HAD to be true!  I was CONVINCED I would marry A--.  Then I was CONVINCED I would marry M---.  And now?  I'm no longer convinced of anything.  (For the record, those are the only two men I've ever considered marrying.  And yeah, neither are my ex-fiance.  The irony does not escape me.)

I can't decide if the realization that it's difficult to trust yourself or your feelings in love is frightening and sort of depressing, or if it's empowering and sort of a relief.  Maybe a little of both.  I think the end result is that I'm more likely to enjoy the moments of falling and being in love, because I know they're ephemeral ... you might as well savor them while you can, right?