Damn you, Cookie!
I'm not into drugs. I don't much drink - except an occasional glass of red - (hello, resveratrol!!). I've never even smoked - although I've been guilty of "holding one to look cool/skinny." (Whatevs, it was
high school college. You know you did the same thing.)
So why is it that I have a horrible, unbreakable, irrevocable addiction - OBSESSION, really - with the enormous chocolate chip cookies my 24-hour corner deli sells for a mere $1.50? And by "obsessed" I mean really, really obsessed. I-dream-about-them obsessed. When-I'm-in-other-cities-I-wonder-how-they're-doing obsessed. I'm-know-what-days-the-baker-delivers-them-(Tuesday-and-Friday) obsessed.
So, given this level of ... ah ... excitement over a mere cookie (albeit a very large and moist chocolate chip laden cookie), I wondered if someone might explain, you know, exactly what's going on in my obviously defective brain.
Like, I get the concept of sugar-addiction, the whole glycemic index thing, but only to a point. And, really, aside from moving apartments (I've considered that), is there anything to be done about this situation? My size 27 (uh ... or 28) jeans depend on it.
I called my resident Knower of All Things Nutrition Oriented, FAKE EXPERT. The
rigorously informative interview totally made up interview below. ** (Yeah, I was going to actually do an interview, but I got too lazy. Anyone want to just email me the answers to these questions? thanks.)
ME: So, can you please explain why I love this cookie more than anything in my life, including but not limited to: my mother, any of the men I'm dating, my dog and Jon Stewart? Okay, maybe not Jon. But the rest.
FAKE EXPERT - Blah blah blah ... Sugar is like crack.
ME - Really, crack, huh? And I thought trans-fats were bad! That crazy New York mayor banned those, but not cookies. What's up with that?
FAKE EXPERT - Blah blah blah ... Trans-fats and sugars both turn your body into a cesspool of subcutaneous blubber.
ME - Yikes! And that's the worst kind? By "worst" of course I mean "most lumpy." So what can I do to kick this sick habit? I'm thinking about using right now, actually. STOP ME!!!
FAKE EXPERT - Blah blah blah ... If you can make it through four days sans sugar (any sugar), the drug-like addiction urges will diffuse themselves. Or you could try chaining yourself to your desk.
ME - Okay, well, I have these faux diamond studded handcuffs some publicist sent me after Paris went to jail. Should I just use those?
FAKE EXPERT - Blah blah blah ... Pretty much!