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July 19, 2007

Damn you, Cookie!

I'm not into drugs.  I don't much drink - except an occasional glass of red - (hello, resveratrol!!).  I've never even smoked - although I've been guilty of "holding one to look cool/skinny."  (Whatevs, it was high school college.  You know you did the same thing.)

So why is it that I have a horrible, unbreakable, irrevocable addiction - OBSESSION, really - with the enormous chocolate chip cookies my 24-hour corner deli sells for a mere $1.50?  And by "obsessed" I mean really, really obsessed.  I-dream-about-them obsessed.  When-I'm-in-other-cities-I-wonder-how-they're-doing obsessed.  I'm-know-what-days-the-baker-delivers-them-(Tuesday-and-Friday) obsessed.

So, given this level of ... ah ... excitement over a mere cookie (albeit a very large and moist chocolate chip laden cookie), I wondered if someone might explain, you know, exactly what's going on in my obviously defective brain.

Like, I get the concept of sugar-addiction, the whole glycemic index thing, but only to a point.  And, really, aside from moving apartments (I've considered that), is there anything to be done about this situation?  My size 27 (uh ... or 28) jeans depend on it.

I called my resident Knower of All Things Nutrition Oriented, FAKE EXPERT.  The rigorously informative interview totally made up interview below. ** (Yeah, I was going to actually do an interview, but I got too lazy.  Anyone want to just email me the answers to these questions?  thanks.)

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ME: So, can you please explain why I love this cookie more than anything in my life, including but not limited to: my mother, any of the men I'm dating, my dog and Jon Stewart?  Okay, maybe not Jon.  But the rest.

FAKE EXPERT - Blah blah blah ... Sugar is like crack.

ME - Really, crack, huh?  And I thought trans-fats were bad!  That crazy New York mayor banned those, but not cookies.  What's up with that?

FAKE EXPERT - Blah blah blah ... Trans-fats and sugars both turn your body into a cesspool of subcutaneous blubber.

ME - Yikes!  And that's the worst kind?  By "worst" of course I mean "most lumpy."  So what can I do to kick this sick habit?  I'm thinking about using right now, actually.  STOP ME!!!

FAKE EXPERT - Blah blah blah ... If you can make it through four days sans sugar (any sugar), the drug-like addiction urges will diffuse themselves.  Or you could try chaining yourself to your desk.

ME - Okay, well, I have these faux diamond studded handcuffs some publicist sent me after Paris went to jail.  Should I just use those?

FAKE EXPERT - Blah blah blah ... Pretty much!

April 17, 2007

Does winning the popular vote make me look fat?

I - against my better judgment - watched the entire Academy Awards last month, and all I could think, besides "It's only a matter of time before a J. Hud nip slip" and “do interpretive dancers who form shadow penguins at large award shows get health insurance?” was "Al Gore is fat."  Yes.  It’s the inconvenient truth.  (Sorry, make a movie with that title, and writers feel the inexplicable need to make a pun out of it Every. Single. Time.)

Anyway, the Gorester is chubs, and people are starting to talk.  It’s not quite Tyra-Banks-Oh-no-you-did-NOT-just-call-me-Fat-on-the-cover-of-US-Weekly talk, but it's there.  In fact, the Chicago Trib just ran a POLL on it:

With the accompanying text:

Many people have noticed that the former vice president has grown rather beefy. He’s become a bigger man, perhaps in more ways than one. [ed note: LOL. Not.] … Gore’s added heft would make him a less attractive presidential candidate should he decide to run. The theory is that Gore would lose votes because his size is a turn-off--some sort of symbolic sign of decadence, complacency, bad diet, whatever.
Um … decadence?

And because it’s easy to pile on poor Al, Pat Buchanan (well-known for his svelte, manly bod) insulted him on MSNBC’s Scarborough Country for being “40 pounds overweight for spring training” then compared him to a football player “waddling onto the field” who’s “been eating all winter, it’s hellish.”

“He’s got to lose that,” he concluded.

Can’t wait for the Buchanan “Lose to Win” exercise DVDs.  Watch out Jane Fonda.  And, er … Dr. Phil.