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January 23, 2007

Nice Degree. Can I Have It If Your You're Not Using It?



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From: Theo [redacted]
Date: Mon, 22 Jan 2007
To: Julia Allison
Subject: Advice

Good Evening Ms. Allison,

Was flipping around the television and caught your appearance on showbiz tonight. Must say your [sic] a HOTTIE, anyhow wanted to get your advice  I saw that you major [sic] in Political Science and I did as well at UCLA. My question is when did you decide that you didn't want to do anything with your degree or are you still undecided? And also what are the other possibilities for a Poli Sci major. Oh by the way my name is Theo thanks! Talk to you soon.
 
Theo
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My favorite line, obviously, would have to be:

"when did you decide that you didn't want to do anything with your degree?"

Okay, "Theo," just admit it.  My Dad put you up to this, didn't he?

And PS - does UCLA not teach grammar anymore?  Or, say ... punctuation?  Contractions? Apostrophes?  No?  Damn state schools.

January 10, 2007

Fan Mail That Warms Your Heart

From: [Redacted]
Date: Thu, 11 Jan 2007
To: Julia Allison
Subject: career

I saw you on Fox blabbing away about Trump and Rosie, and your website url was on the screen so long that I felt compelled to logon.

Wow, you really are a vacuous little nothing.  You prove just how far a telegenic face can take you these days.
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Well, isn't that sweet.  But ... um ... I'm a little confused by his choice of subject line - "career"?   That doesn't really make any sense.  I would have written:

Subject: career why you don't have a good one

or

Subject: your career sucks

or better yet, because it's all-encompassing and more to the point ...

Subject: you suck

Whatever, he called me "telegenic"!!!

October 24, 2006

UPDATE!! Reader to Julia Part II: New York Women Have Character Flaws, Jealousy Issues, Sarcasm-Overuse



**UPDATE!  [Name Redacted] has way too much time on his hands, so he actually replied so my request for a spreadsheet detailing his model conquests.  How did he know that I use ridicule and sarcasm to make my jealous, non-cosmetically enhanced self feel better when twats like him date models???  No WONDER he went to an Ivy League school!  He's so smart!!!

My favorite line involves the analogy between beautiful women and Microsoft Excel.  Awesome.

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From: [Name Redacted]
Date: Tue, 24 Oct 2006
To: Julia Allison
Subject: Re: men have brains on their mind

Oh, I forgot, not only are New York women way behind on the big 4, for example, Brazilian waxes and cosmetic enhancement which have been standard in Southern Florida and California for 10-20 years, but they have an almost equal deficit from bad character flaws like their level of condescension towards women from anywhere else.  It doesn't have to be their natural jealousy of Southern women or West Coast beauties, it could be the girl across the street or someone in a different industry.  And of course the sarcasm and ridicule they use to make them feel better. 

No need to send a spreadsheet with photos.  If you open a magazine, someone I've dated is there.  No hand models or plus-sized models.  By definition, a Ford model and miss USA are 9-10s.  But let's try to keep this from being personal.  Interestingly, with respect to your rating system, there are women who are too beautiful.  They're like microsoft excel, itself, you could only use 5% of their beauty like you can only use 5% of excel's functionality. 

Why would any woman get extra points for being well-educated?  If a woman gets through with her PHD by the time she's 35-38 that means a guy who would marry her and want to have kids would be into the relationship for an additional "fix my jalopy" fees of $100K per pregnancy in fertility treatments, plus the bad side effects of hormonal treatments can wreck a relationship.  Back again to relationship intelligence.   

Reader to Julia: I Only Date Models with PhDs and I Once Emailed MoDo. Did I Mention the I Only Dated Models?

I always promise myself I won't respond to stupidity, but ... I just couldn't help myself with this one.  I swear, you can't make this shit up.

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From: [Name redacted]
Date:  Mon, 23 Oct 2006
To: Julia Allison
Subject: Re: men have brains on their mind

Julia,

Big fan!  You are a great writer though without much perspective on what older people think.

With respect to your article, I'm a single guy in his early 40's. Erudite, good-looking, athletic, multiple ivy degrees, lived in Europe, don't watch sports on tv.  I'm never at a loss for dates and have actually had multiple email communications with Maureen Dowd. The last 5 women I've dated have been a former miss USA, 2 Ford models (the model you see in all the ski catalogues) a former model now gemologist and a former Ford model with a PHD.  And that's just last month.  I've dated the spectrum.

I don't know any men in their late 30's or older who look at female intelligence as a big seller in a relationship, though I know many guys who are the equivalent of gold diggers who look for women with money to have relationships.  I have two cautionary stories about emancipated women who dated guys much younger who turned out to be con artists.  Guys who are young might like women with brains and ignore all else but once those guys get experience they'll have none of it.  And the married friends who fell for that are mostly miserable now.

Ultimately it comes down to the big 4, physical appeal, spiritual compatability, relationship intelligence, and commitment to the relationship (and for those looking to have kids, NATURAL FERTILITY MATTERS).  Surprisingly, most women in NYC are behind on all of the big 4.  NYC is not a place like Miami or LA with a preponderance of cosmetic surgery or not like Colorado or Northern California with people concerned about fitness.  Most women are more committed to their job than their boyfriends and none have a commitment to the time it takes to develop a real structured binding relationship.  And with the internet and instant messaging, ADHD is a big problem when there is ephemeral greener grass a minute away. 

Do you ever hear guys talk about their latest conquest vs. the woman who is their best friend.  It's night and day.  Maureen Dowd was seduced by show business.   Anyone who has seen her on t.v. sees she's all dried up. 

You don't have to be a maid, you just have to be someone's best friend and have the big 4 (and natural fertility for the guy who wants to have kids). 

From: Julia Allison
Date: Tue, 24 Oct 2006
To: [Name Redacted]
Subject: Re: men have brains on their mind

Thank you for your lovely email.  In the future, however, I’d appreciate if you attached a spreadsheet with indexed jpgs so I can properly judge all of the models you’ve dated, classified into the following:  Commercial model, runway model, plus-sized model, hand model ... all crucial distinctions which you neglected to make.  In addition, please grade the models’ features on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being ridiculously, ridiculously good looking.  No curve.  Extra points for PhDs.  And NATURAL FERTILITY, of course.

***UPDATE!!  Douchebag Replies!!!

October 23, 2006

Reader Dad to Julia: What's a Black AmEx?

The following email is from my dad, after reading the draft of this week's column (above).
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From: Julia's Dad
Date: Sun, 22 Oct 2006
To: Julia
Subject: Your Column This Week

Good article.  Why would a high-achieving male be interested in someone less capable or ambitious than he?  Lack of self-confidence?  Desire for role differentiation (someone to nuture children and manage the home front)?  Comparative advantage (economic division of labor theory that underlies trade; each person/economic actor should concentrate on producing those goods and services in which he/she is most efficient)?

And what is a black Amex?  American Express cards are green, aren't they?

Love,
Dad
Awww, the innocence of non-New-Yorkers.

October 13, 2006

WWJF?

    OR  

I recently received an email from a completely overeducated blonde girl friend of mine, who boldly declared the following:
"Were this the sixties, I like to imagine you'd be fucking JFK.  And I, hopefully, would be banging Arthur Schlesinger."
Of course I love the sentiment, but I would totally not be fucking JFK, probably because Jessica Cutler would get to him first.

Also, I never date the hot guy that everyone else wants, mainly because I'm highly contrarian and the whole idea of everyone else wanting someone (or something) turns me off.   And, although I love gorgeous, smart men, I do not like to compete for them, because I am lazy and not particularly a fan of "rejection."  Thus, it's much more likely I would be fucking JFK's head speech writer, because that is how I roll.

Or, to use a modern day example:  Aaron Sorkin.

Although, actually, the man has lots of ladies now, so probably more like Aaron Sorkin in high school.  Mmmm ... yum.

October 11, 2006

D-List Celeb Reader to Julia: Just Be Yourself.
And Sleep With Me.

From: D-List Celebrity/Model/Professional-Womanizer
Date: Tue, 10 Oct 2006
To: Julia Allison
Subject: Re: last night

Being you - embrace it Julia, stop apologizing for being a social climbing, motivated chick, who won't settle for mediocrity.  You want something, you take it, and fuck anyone who doesn't like it.  My unsolicited suggestion is that if you want to change something don't recant and explain it...just do it. The sooner you accept you the sooner you is a big hit [sic].

You're a hot bitch and, assuming you take care of that body of yours, you'll look like that for many years to come.  Which brings me to photos of yourself; the picture on the bed was hot, and, if you want my opinion, I'd go lap-topless.

The rest of my advice will wait until we're curled up in bed....errr...i'm holding the remote and you're in the kitchen in a t-shirt and panties making me something to eat. ;)

xo
[D-List name removed]

First of all, this fellow is in deep, deep denial if he thinks I'll ever make him something to eat.  That is not how I roll.

Second, I don't wear panties.  Okay.  That's a lie, I do.  Really big ones, actually.

Finally, I cannot wait until I is a big hit.*

*Yes, I meant to write it like that.  Please refer back to email if you didn't get the joke.

September 28, 2006

Reader to Julia: You are a Trite, Hackneyed, Platitude-Loving Truism of a Cliché



"Seriously, the only thing more cliché
than going to Harvard, is maybe being a Sex/Dating Columnist in New York City."  - Justin (commenting on yesterday's post about me crashing the Harvard 045856 party)

Oh yeah?  What about a sex columnist in New York who went to Harvard for Law School and just coincidentally had blonde hair?  That would be EVEN MORE cliché!  And then, what if she were friends with two girls and three guys, and they all hung out in a coffee shop called Central Perk!!  HOW CLICHÉ WOULD THAT BE, HUH, JUSTIN???  HUH???

Okay.  Fine.  Look, Justin, we need to talk.  You are, unfortunately, totally fucking accurate.  I've ruminated on this conundrum for many an unproductive day (and with me, that would be most days).  How does a New York dating columnist kick the Carrie-Bradshaw-was-played-out-seven-years-ago-and-even-Magnolia-Bakery's -fucking-over-it thing?

Wow.  Two f-bombs in one paragraph.  Obviously clichés upset me.

Anyway, so far I haven't come up with an answer, other than changing jobs, which isn't really an option because I don't have any actual skills.

Hmm ... I guess I could go to law school, actually, now that I think about it.

If someone has an idea about how I can possibly lift the dark cloud of banality from my chosen occupation, please do share.  A dozen sex & dating columnists await your brilliance with bated breath and vibrators set to "on."  (Okay, that last part made no sense.  I don't care.  I just wanted to put the word "vibrator" in there.  It's a sex columnist thing.)

And, oh yeah - in case you needed to comment, other synonyms for cliché include:  stale, overused, hackneyed, worn out, threadbare, commonplace, old chestnut.   Yeah, you heard me right.  OLD CHESTNUT.  I checked the thesaurus, bitches.



WHO'S A CLICHÉ NOW??

Oh.  right.

August 05, 2006

Reader to Julia: You Hate Poor People, Don't You??

From the mailbag (er, blog comment-bag ) ...

"BTW, what happened to your book contest? Here's a terrific idea: Why don't you donate the books to poor libraries in the Queens and Brooklyn areas of New York? It will save on postage and on blabbering."

Pink Book.jpg Pink Book.jpg Pink Book.jpg
Um ... yeah. About that ... book contest thing. Well, it stunk. Apparently no one - not even YOU, desperate readers, wants pink self-help dating books (or if you do, you really, really don't want to email me). And I'm ashamed to admit that it DIDN'T OCCUR TO ME to donate them to the libraries. Probably because I am a bad human being and I hate poor people.

However, now that this lovely and altruistic reader has pointed out the grave error of my ways, I will be donating these books to more deserved people. Because, c'mon, I'm for anything that will curtail my blabbering.

Actually, the truth is, I usually donate all of my clothing & random unused shit to Housing Works, but lately I've been a little uninspired by their charity. Maybe it's just me, but I'd much rather support my pet causes, which happen to be small animals and battered women - or battered animals and small women. Depends on the day. However, Housing Works is three blocks from my house and ... well ... I'm lazy. And a bad person (see above).

So - People Who Didn't Want These Books, I'm talking to you. Anyone else have a suggestion on who deserves them most? You can paste in the comments, but make this easy on me - give me a specific title and/or address. And ... uh ... can you pick them up from my apartment, too?

KIDDING! A messenger's just fine.

July 12, 2006

Reader Mail: Men's Brains Cannot Function When Confronted by Word "Panties"

Pink Panties - John Kacere.jpg

(Yeah, in case you think I'm an amateur pornographer, that's a John Kacere painting above. As we all know, a painting of someone's behind is much classier than a photo. Duh.)

Anyway, an ... interesting ... reader email appeared in my inbox today, regarding the last line of my column on Kate White, in which I reference "Chapter 27 - Think With Your Panties."

I just quoted the chapter title - I didn't expand upon it, or get into the issue of "panties" in general. And yet, as you'll see below, that was more than enough to set John a frothin'.

Which all goes to show that men and panties cannot coexist peacefully.

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From: john [Email Removed]
Date: Tue, 11 Jul 2006
To: julia@juliaallison.com
Subject: think with your panties

Dear Julia:

I enjoyed your review of the book. I am dying to find out what the author suggests with this title heading.

Of course as a guy, I can tell you that we almost all have a panty fetish. Surprise! What I can't figure out is why these women running around in short skirts don't figurre that if they would just flash a beaver shot and a smile, she could attract any man that she desired. Its true, men would rather look up your skirt and see your panties than to see you naked. (this of course assuming that you are not wearing the dreaded grandma panties) Just for the record also, cotton panties belong on little girls and grannies. period.

As a contractor, I can tell you that if we are left alone in the house, most of us will invariably check out your panty drawer out of curiosity.

By the way, I hate, thongs, seems unsanitary to me and there is no silk back to rub on.

Also, women love to be taken by a strong man, and it is very erotic to forcefully rip her panties away. (I am not talking about lack of consent here or anything painful)

I happen to think that is is very intimate for a woman to run around in one of her man's shirts and her sexiest panties. It is also very erotic and flirtatious to wear that short skirt on a date, which usually will ensure that the man will open your door, especially if you make sure that he catches a peek and a knowing smile.

Just some random thoughts from a panty guy.

John
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What do you think good ole Panty-Loving John would do if, in the midst of his Drawer-Snooping, he found THIS?

Panty Drawer Suprise.jpg

June 16, 2006

Reader to Julia: Shut the Hell Up about Politics, You Dating Columnist Moron

pedro lacks political experience.jpg
I awoke this morning to a sagacious comment about my last two (verging-on-political) entries:

"I came to get dating advice and read some witty, original commentary not hear another new yorker do the tired, cliched, whine about the damn conservatives. Even if Coulter is a vulgar, self-promoting bitch, which she is, I don't come to your site to hear about it. Stop pretending you have an important political opinion and get back to the dating foxholes." - Jenny

Crap ... I've been served!

Jenny's right - I don't have an important political opinion. I know this because I just looked up the word "important" and apparently it means: "of great significance or value, likely to have a profound effect on success, survival or well-being."

I think we can all agree that my opinions (political or otherwise) are neither significant nor will they have a profound effect on anyone's success, survival, or well-being - let alone Ann Coulter's.

In conclusion, thank you, Jenny, for putting me in my place. I'm just a lowly dating columnist and shall henceforth stick to topics appropriate to lowly dating columnists.

Like ... um ... do you think Ann likes it doggie style?

I bet she does.

April 06, 2006

Trite and Meaningless - But Enjoyable!

From a "fan-email" I received today: “Although I do find your columns trite and pretty meaningless I actually enjoy them...”

Now that's book-jacket blurb material right there.

Given, it's a little unfair to judge someone on the basis of her extremely space-and-subject-limited 450 word dating column (YOU try writing something remarkable about dating for a "family subway paper" in approximately seven paragraphs!).

But that said, I don't completely disagree - sometimes what I write IS trite and, yes, even a little meaningless.  And, hell, sometimes it's not even enjoyable!  Although I hope at least THAT is an exception ...

So, in an effort to do something original (un-trite) and relevant (un-meaningless), I'm starting what I hope will not be an un-enjoyable blog, although I am officially making no promises.

Thus, this is My First Entry of My First Blog (things are so much better when they're capitalized).  I suppose it was about time, given that I was quite possibly the last human being on earth with an internet connection not to blog daily.  Christ, even my mother now has her own blog (no, I will not tell you the URL).  So, a full 4 years after it was actually trendy, I’m preparing to jump on this aggressively un-hip blog bandwagon.

Again, low expectations are the key to success here.  At least that's what I've been telling my parents for the last decade or so ...