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October 06, 2007

Yikes! This Week's Time Out New York Column



Well, in my defense, it was my idea to pick the most vitriolic commenter on Gawker to have a "column-off" against ...

But now I'm losing on my own turf!!

Okay, so no matter what you think of my column, check it out this week - the topic is Temporary Rational Abstinence.  Um, and maybe vote for me?

September 14, 2007

First Date Sartorialist: What to Wear??

Last week, I asked the guy I’ve been seeing lately if he remembered what I wore on our first date (about 8 weeks ago).  “Ummm …” he paused, contemplating. “I don’t really know?  I just remember I could see your legs.  And they looked hot.”

Sigh.

All the hours I spent doing the typical First Date anxiety dance of “AHH-what-should-I-wear?!,” all the carefully considered questions, were for naught.  If I dress up will he think I’m stuffy?  If I dress down will I look cute enough?  If I cover up will he be turned off?  If I show some T&A, will he think I’m a slut?  Should I wear the heels or the flats?  The dress or the jeans?  The push up bra or au natural?  Hoops or pearls?   Black or pink?  And on.  And on.  And on.

All of that was reduced to “I just remember I could see your legs”???

The irony is that I think that’s a perfect glimpse inside 96% of heterosexual male minds when contemplating fashion.

They say that women dress for other women – that is, except when they’re dressing for First Dates.  In that case they’re most definitely dressing for men, except that they tend to forget men, uh, well, aren’t women.  The rules are completely different.

But what ARE the rules?  Check out this week's Time Out column, all about First Date Fashion.  I'll give you a hint: if it's remotely fashionable, guys probably don't "get" it.  Save yourself, your credit card and your date the trouble - just go naked.

First Date Sartorialist: What Do Real Guys REALLY Think?

7 Guys (I actually know), 7 First Date Outfits (I actually own)

What did they REALLY think?  Check out my poll here!

And READ WHAT THE GUYS HAD TO SAY HERE!!

THE GUYS
 
Ricky Van Veen, 26, Editor-in-Chief, College Humor
John Mulaney, 25, comedian
Matt Titus, 40, dating coach “Matt’s Little Black Book”
Steve Santagati, 43, NYT bestselling author, “The Manual”
Kristian LaLiberte, 24, gay boy-about-town, stylist/publicist Unruly Heir
Dr. Bobby Buka, 33, celebrity dermatologist
John Neffinger, 35, public speaking coach, Huffington Post contributor

THE OUTFITS

OUTFIT #1 - Casual

Juicy Couture jeans (Bleeker Street), James Perse tank top, Moe CLICK bag

Van Veen - I’m all for jeans, but there may be Amber alerts out for small children lost in those giant pant legs.
Mulaney - You look like a narc.
Titus - This is adorable. The casual is a lot less intimidating than high fashion and if you want a guy to ask you out, this outfit won’t scare them off!
Santagati – It’s simple, I know the girl wearing it is comfortable enough with herself to show up like this, and I get to see a hint of (sing like Julie Andrews here) a few of my favorite things – and I don’t mean silver white winters that melt into spring.   Mean bum and breast.  Just get rid of the turquoise table tennis paddle.
LaLiberte - The jeans are way too wide and make you look bigger than you are, and the shirt is too tight in comparison. You look like you are going to a hippie retreat to score some ass.
Buka - So close on this one! Imagine the jeans without bells and you’d have an easy winner. A clean, relaxed look – like the friendly, chocolate lab you always wanted.
Neffinger - Oh my God -- Jules, you're wearing jeans!  Did you actually put them on or just photoshop this?  If you showed up in this, forget the reservations, we're heading to the east village for people-watching, window-shopping, conversation and cheap eats.  Much as I love jeans, though, these are ridiculous, a designer version of the kind misanthropic teens scuff around sweeping the streets with. 

OUTFIT #2 - Straight from Work

Nanette Lepore suit (Bloomingdale's), Nine West shoes, Chanel bag

Van Veen - You didn’t have time to change after work? You’d think Scores would let you set your own hours.
Mulaney - This reminds me of that Michael Douglas movie DISCLOSURE where those people almost bone and then there is conflict.
Titus - Straight for work always makes a woman look smart (mentally and physically). I can never resist this look on a woman, it’s sexy for some reason, maybe the whole mental secretary with glasses thing? Where are the glasses?
Santagati – If you are coming “straight from work” to see me for a date then you better undo another button on your top or I’m going to want to talk about real estate prices, politics or accounting with you in this outfit.
LaLiberte - Kinda Princess Diana-ish before she got trendy. I’d wear this if you really don’t want any action, and you are trying to keep it professional. If you wore the jacket unbuttoned one with skinny jeans and stiletto boots that would be perfect.
Buka - I call this one the “Julia Allison.” The ultimate in self-promotion. She made fun of you in the high school cafeteria; now she runs PR for every celebrity you’ll never meet. 
Neffinger -  Straight from what kind of work?  The hem on the skirt is higher than all but the club dress.  Meanwhile, the black-and-grey check jacket with the giant buttons and rounded lapels says 'ladies who lunch.'  But somehow it all works together, a very cute outfit, say for an afternoon's shopping on Madison Avenue.  On a first date, though, this would make me wonder if I could afford to date you if I wanted to.

OUTFIT #3 - Little Red Dress

Diane Von Furstenberg dress, Nine West shoes, Moe CLICK bag

Van Veen - I like this – not too crazy, it’s playing it safe. Definitely good for a blind date with a bullfighter.
Mulaney - This is what I would wear if I was a dame. Then I would go to Filene's and kick some ass.
Titus - Little Red Dress is nice but screams out “notice me please.” I prefer the little black dress. This one reminds me of tomato sauce!
Santagati – This dress is the “Scarlet letter ‘B’” for BORING.  If I wanted to date a woman from the cover of Good Housekeeping, I would hang out in suburbia.
LaLiberte - I love this one.  Fancy, but not too cocktaily...revealing, but still demure. I’d wear different shoes -- the red shoes are a little matchy matchy.
Buka - Ok, ok, I get it - red dress, red shoes, red lipstick. It’s so put together I’m afraid to touch it. Can this girl even fart? 
Neffinger - It covers you up but flatters your figure.  It's eye-catching red with a big friendly bow.  What's not to like?

OUTFIT #4 - Preppy

Le Shack by Tracy Feith dress (Bergdorf's), Chanel bag, Bebe shoes

Van Veen - How convenient that our date is a picnic and you brought the tablecloth!
Mulaney - Duke Graduation.
Titus - No man can resist the preppy look. Just like Charlotte on Sex in the City! You look sooo innocent!?
Santagati – I went to school in Boston and the girls from Wellsley would wear this crap but were often good in bed.  When a girl wears this she’s saying “I’m conservative on the outside but naughty as all hell on the inside.”
LaLiberte - Preppy look suits you best, and it’s classy without being too frigid, because you show some skin. You look like you aren’t promising anything, but damn it would be hot if you did.
Buka - This is the girl you take cow-tipping or to a rodeo. Good, clean fun until somebody gets pregnant in the back of the Ford pick-up.
Neffinger - Julia, only you would ever wear this within city limits.  If the date in question is at the Kentucky Derby, then great.   If anyone else showed up in this dress in New York, she would have some 'splaining to do.  Like, for starters, why she stole your dress.

OUTFIT #5 - Little Black Dress

Chanel dress, Manolo Blanik shoes, Chanel purse

Van Veen - Ew. Very Charlotte. (yes, I watched SATC, and yes I abbreviate it SATC).
Mulaney - Meanwhile uptown, Charlotte and Trey blah bling blah etc. etc. etc.
Titus - This is my favorite. It is classy, sophisticated and not too done up. It doesn’t look like you spent all day getting ready, but that you care about how you look and it’s sassy!
Santagati – It’s cute if you’re 50 and going on an “Upper East Side Luncheon” with your Yorkie.  However, a little black dress is cute and always a safe bet, but it’s just that, safe.
LaLiberte - You look like you are trying to hard and your makeup is too heavy.
Buka - zzzzz…huh? Wha? Must have dozed off, because this girl’s BOR-RING! Looks like my Aunt Sadie! I bet she’s got the same nasally voice.
Neffinger - This is not the little black dress, this is a little black dress with some little doily details, something you wear to work because you need something conservative but not identical to what you wore yesterday.  Totally uninspiring, but totally forgivable. 


OUTFIT #6 - Sexy

Bebe dress, Moe CLICK bag

Van Veen - Wow, leave a little something to the imagination. For example, your cervix.
Mulaney - Are you holding a shoe-horn? What is that?
Titus - I’m a guy, so this is definitely my second choice. Leaves little, very little to the imagination and any guy who doesn’t put this one is his top two needs to be sent my way for relationship help!
Santagati – This is as hot as the jeans & tee but if a girl shows up in this she better be pretty confident because this doesn’t read “girlfriend material” it reads, “she’s gonna get it good.” HA HA.  It’s a great look if the girl wearing it knows how to handle the attention she’ll get, and I don’t mean be a bitch.
LaLiberte - Actually kind of like this if you wore a cute little jacket on top, and KEPT IT ON.
Buka - This is the girl Mom warned me about – this ensemble reads open Boxster and Bridgehampton. Order the salad, because you’re going to be buying lots o’ Veuve.
Neffinger - Well alright then -- straight to the club, do not pass go!  As long as you're not expecting me to take you to a fancy-pants restaurant, this could be fun.  If you want to be taken seriously as relationship material in this thing, though, you'd better talk about the more serious side of your life... which is tough to do over the sound system pounding out dance music.

OUTFIT #7 - "High Fashion"

Alice & Olivia coat dress, American Apparel leggings, Nine West shoes, Chanel bag

Van Veen - Where does she think I’m taking her, Mars 2112?
Mulaney - This is the worst thing I have ever seen and would only be worn by fools.
Titus - I am sure it works on the runway, but for some reason I am getting Star Trek flashbacks. No first date wear or second date wear either for that matter! But, love the Chanel bag!
Santagati – THE WORST PIECE OF SHIT I'VE EVER SEEN; astronaut meets aerobic instructor is never a good look. Plus the lipstick is like someone melted a red crayon and smeared it on your face.
LaLiberte - Leggings scare straight guys I think.  I think it’s a trend that is kind of out. The coat is cool but you look a little barberalla-ish.  Too extreme for first date.
Buka - This dress is melting my retinas! High fashion, my foot! Send this space girl back to the ship before that thing climbs up her face.
Neffinger -  Is this coat sealskin, or the stuff astronauts wear for spacewalks?  Demerits for being a crazy fashion victim, but since you are, you do get points for going all out.  If you wear something with this much character, though, you gotta back it up with fun conversation and zany stories, otherwise it makes zero sense.

September 07, 2007

This Week's Time Out Column ... Julia's (Dating) Book Club!

Like Oprah's but instead of the power to rocket your book to the NYT Bestseller List, the power to ... uh ... rocket your book to ... uh ... yeah, pretty much no power at all.

Oh well.

Enjoy my recommendations anyway!

As far as those naysayers who don't "believe" in self-help books ...

It is my (not so humble) opinion that no one out there is so experienced, so knowledgeable, so unfailingly together that they couldn’t gain something from the wisdom of another – especially with regard to the fraught relations between men and women and the seemingly inexplicable dance of insanity we call “dating.”  And yet, self-help books on this subject remain in the Rodney Dangerfield position on your bookshelf: shoved at the bottom, shamefully covered by a spine-uncracked “Bonfire of the Vanities” and Stephen Hawking’s “A Brief History of Time.”

Or worse, you pass by their pink & purple displays at Barnes & Noble, thinking to yourself “Ha!  Only LOSERS read those!”  Say what, Casanova?  Are you the Mary Poppins of relationships - practically perfect in every way?  Have you nothing to learn about the opposite gender?  You understand their every thought and action?  Really?? I think not.

Moreover, can you answer the question “What do men/women want?” without hesitation?  Oh you can?  Maybe you should write a book then.  For the rest of us, why don’t we admit we don’t always know what the hell we’re doing, and we could use a little help.

Everyone, say it along with me.  Hi, my name’s Julia, and I sort of suck at dating.

So!  Now we have that out of the way, go buy the damn books.

August 17, 2007

This Week's Time Out Column: I Heart Geeks


Posing with a real live geek back in Dec.  Photo by Michael Leonard.

So, it's a fairly well-documented fact that I adore nerds/geeks/techboys ... can't. get. enough!

In honor of my recent foray into Silicon Valley, Heart of Geekdom, this week's Time Out column celebrates a Revenge of the Nerds, Dating Style.  Turns out they're not so bad in the romance dept after all!  Who else will help you figure out your iPhone?  And sign you up for Google adsense?  And weigh the merits of Movable Type vs. Typepad?  Not to mention, with Mark Zuckerberg on the cover of Newsweek, could it be any more timely?  (Although, quite honestly, Mark pushes the boundaries of my "dorks can be hot" theory.  He's not there yet.  Or maybe it's that he's a redhead?  Hmm.)

August 15, 2007

This Week's Time Out Column!

This week's column, on vacationing it up with your S.O.

August 03, 2007

Time Out On-Demand Video(s) of the Week!

We decided to go a little looser with the Time Out video blogs this week - amiable editor-in-chief Brian Farnham interviewed me, and I tried to remember what the hell I was talking about.  He succeeded, I pretty much failed.  Better luck next time?

Last Week's Vblog: I love my column name

This Week's Vblog: I hate having bodily functions

**And yes, these were taped the same day, so I'm fully aware I'm wearing the same outfit.  No, really.  No need to email me about it, Fashion Police.  I'll bring a change of clothes next time, okay?

July 26, 2007

This Week's Time Out Column!

First off, MY COLUMN FINALLY HAS A FREAKING NAME!  Single File!  You're thrilled, I can tell.

Secondly, this week's column, Terms of Endearment, is on pet names between you and your honey.  You know - your baby, your angel, your ... pooper?  Um ... Just read the column.

July 18, 2007

This Week's Time Out Column ...

... is sort of gross.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Read the (slightly) longer version here!

Or at Time Out's website here.

July 12, 2007

This Week's Time Out Column!


Double Header this week ...

1) "Matchmaker's Mark," My (mildly successful) attempts to "teach" "dating" "skills" to the men of "Queens"

2) "Booze Cruising: Is the Ultimate Social Lubricant the Best Means for Dating Success?" (In a word, uh, yes?)

June 29, 2007

This Week's Time Out Column!



My Time Out column this week - "Starving Artist" (which should really have been entitled "How Total Douchebags Get Laid") is better read with proper background.  Namely, the actual "treatise" that Mr. Paul Janka, a Harvard grad and the douchebag in question, penned back in 1995, in a failed attempt to get a book contract, and yeah, make sure everyone knows just how whittled his bed posts are from all those drunken notches.  Classy!

Arm yourself with a garbage can in which to vomit and read Janka's "Getting Laid in NYC" here.

June 21, 2007

This Week's Time Out Column!

Gawker's indefatigable-ish Emily really summed up this week's column, "Share-ing is Caring," far better than I could:
Time Out dating columnist Julia Allison asks, 'Is it okay to kind of whore yourself out in order to have a place to crash in the Hamptons on the weekends?'  ... Her own personal answer is, 'Maybe not!' See, she's been burned: "Right now [the Hamptons] is "just a place" where the last three men I dated all have houses. Houses to which I am definitely not invited. And, let me assure you, summer is not as much fun when other women are swimming in your ex's pool."
Right.  Well, pretty much that's all you need to know about the column right there.  If you're dating a guy with a pool in the Hamptons, you're probably dating an ex of mine.  Give him back.   Or set me up with your friend?

Thanks.

June 18, 2007

Time Out On-Demand Video of the Week!

In addition to my weekly column duties over at Time Out New York, I do these little videos for their On-Demand channel (and the internets!)  Basically, I put on a lot of makeup and read my column at a camera guy while trying not to stumble over words like "AmEx" (apparently it's pronounced "AM ex" not "AEY-Mex" which is how my Chicago accent had been mutilating it).

Super fun, right?

Check out the first two:

"Don't Take Me On a Boring Date"

"Take Me on a Cheap Date Instead!"

June 15, 2007

And the Finalists Are ....

Ladies and Gentleman!  I know there's nothing you like more than a good "name that dating column" contest that never ends, but alas, all misguided experiments must come to their just conclusion at SOME point.

SO!  Thanks to the 250 people who entered - and especially to those cheeky bastards over at Datehole, who compiled quite the extensive list all on their own.  Nothing really expresses the essence of my column like "Dating for Fun and Profit," ""You're Too Stupid to Date by Yourself" and of course, the classic "Carrie Bradshaw is Fictional."  (or IS SHE?)

The finalists for the 2007 Time Out New York dating column contest are ... 

MOST DESCRIPTIVE
Dating Info and Stuff
Dating, Schmating

IT'S POSSIBLE
Up to Date
It Happened Last Night
The City That Sometimes Sleeps
Save the Date!
It's a Date!
Single File
J. Date (ed: hahahah)
Rendezviews
I Heart NY

CHEESY
Time Out, Lover
Allison in Dating (ed: A lesson, get it?)
Tales from my Bed
Message of Love
The City that Never Sleeps ... Alone
Dateline (ed: Um ... Think that's already taken)
Romeo & Julia

REALLY BAD PUN-AGE
Sex Degrees of Separation
Scrubs, Whores, and Mimbos--Oh My!
Cun't Hardly Wait
Tease for Two
Sexy Driver
The Sinful Life
In a New York Date of Mind (ed: har har)

UM ...
The Daily Clap
Romeo, Juliet and the Hotdog Cart
T&A with Julia Allison
Banana in the Fruit Basket
The Future Mrs. ____
Sex in a NY Minute (ed: one should not aspire to be a minute man)
Dating Yourself

IT'S NOT A FREAKING "SEX" COLUMN!  IT'S A DATING COLUMN!
Deep Inside Julia Allison
Julia Allison: Pounding the Flesh
Pimpin' NYC
Coital Conundrums
Menage a Julia
I'll Screw Manhattan
Seriously Twisted Dating CLINIC, with Julia, Your Naughty Nurse of Nasty Nightlife (ed: this suggestion was from my COLLEGE POLYSCI PROFESSOR.  Dear GOD)

NOT QUITE THERE
Make-out Artist
Dispatches from The Jungle
Whore in the City (ed: clever!)
Small Talk?
Not Willing to Settle
InterSexTion
You Again?
My Very Own Dating Column

CONFUSING
Lost in the Rambles (the author said it was an 'ode to central park')
New Yorker? I just met her
Fishnet
Hopeful Apples
You Can Call Me Allison, but That's Not My First Name (wink).  (ed: Um ...)

Complete* List of Suggestions after the jump ...

*more or less

Continue reading "And the Finalists Are ...." »

June 04, 2007

This Week's Time Out Column

WHY I'M A DATING EXPERT AND YOU'RE NOT.

I say that sweetly, of course.  With love and all sorts of respect.  Because I'm all about respect.

May 28, 2007

This Week's Time Out New York Column -
Let Them Eat Shoes: The Case Against Dinner Whoring


My very sweet Ex bought these for me in Paris two years ago.  What can I say?  He pretty much ruined me for any other not-ridiculously-generous man.  And you know what?  I'm okay with that.

This week's Time Out New York issue (Summer Concerts) is sold out all across town.  Or, uh, at least at the two newsstands I asked randomly (spot check, suckers!), so you'll have to click HERE to read the column I shall forevermore lovingly refer to as "Buy Me Shoes, Damnit!!"  (Well, it was either that or "I'll Do You for Shoes!!"  which is not entirely true.  It's more like "I'll Cocktease You for Shoes!!"  Just strivin' for journalistic accuracy here.)

Anyway, it's not that there's anything inherently wrong with "dinner whoring" - I don't personally understand it (boring, calorie laden, did I mention boring??), but I'm not against women who like going out to nice meals paid for by ... not them.  If that's your (doggie) bag, baby, then go for it.  ha.  (Dear god, that was the lamest pun ever.  Sigh.)

Personally, after almost three freaking years of these dinners, I can't take it anymore.  So I put my foot down (ha. pun again!) in this column, and well, what do you know?  I didn't get a pair of shoes ... per se ... but I did get an extraordinarily creative first date this past Sunday with a guy who had obviously read the column and, uh, gotten the point. (creative dates = happy Julia)

Herewith, a short(ish) summary.  It won't seem short, I realize, except that the date was 12 hours long, so honestly, this is the abridged version.   And, sorry, it's G-rated.  Because that is how we rolled.  8th Grade New York Tourist Style!

Instead of aimlessly ingesting food within the safe confines of Manhattan, we took the N to Astoria (!!) to visit the Museum of Moving Images, where you can make your own flip book (!!!)  Which is pretty much the most awesome way to commemorate a first date, aside from, you know, getting knocked up.  Although that's really an option I'm not much interested in right now.  Then we caught their screening of a 1957 Western called "Forty Guns," which I thought was going to be a disaster (the whole "Guns is Part of the Title" thing) but turned out to be rather ... hot ... for some reason.  You'd be shocked how steamy old films can be with just innuendo and loaded weapons.  (I swear to god, the following was an actual bit of dialogue --- Woman: Can I see your gun?  Man: Sure, but it's a big one.  It might go off in your face.  Woman: I just want to hold it.  I like big guns.)  I mean, that's unbelievable.  Much better than Spiderman 3.

But we didn't stop the date there!  In fact, we decided to get all ATHLETIC with a half hour at batting practice, right around the corner (Queens has everything!).   I would like to happily report that avoiding all sports-like-activities for my entire, well, life, more or less, did not stop me from hitting the shit out of several innocent baseballs.  He was impressed/scared/possibly turned on.  Anyway, after searching Queens fruitlessly for edibles we decided it would be totally ironic (we said it in italics) to jump back on the subway and eat at that bastion of fine Times Square dining, Hawaiian Tropic.  Although we had come too late to vote on the hottest server in that evening's "beauty contest," we asked for (and received) leis, as well as excessively fruity alcoholic beverages from our tiara-wearing bikini-clad server (she had won the contest, obviously.  Only get served by Winners, that's what I always say).

And still, the date refused to end!  Following that, we walked down to Gotham Hall, where we attempted to crash a wedding (a "Sunday Styles" wedding, we were informed by a disgruntled nicotine-patch-wearing bridesmaid), and then walked a few blocks south to the Empire State Building, where I unsuccessfully tried to get our tickets for free (c'mon, everyone knows there're no such things as real press passes!!).  I surrendered my Amex for the tix, and all of a sudden we were at the top, admiring the lovely mini pink-for-girls & blue-for-boys Statue of Liberty figurines in the gift shop.   Who knew tchotchkes were gender assigned now?  And, yeah, we checked out the view too.  Although there were some rather thuggish guys who brought their portable iPod docking station and were blasting rap, killing the Nora-Ephron-esque mood slightly.  They did not respond favorably to my glares, so we made out to spite them.  Also, because it was sorta romantic.

The whole thing was so much better than your average three-vodka-tonics-nice-to-meet-you-uhhh-what's-your-name-again bar date, right??

Although I still haven't given up on a world where men purchase women shoes every week or so.  Mmmmm.  We all need a fantasy.

May 20, 2007

This Week's Time Out Column



The inaugural Time Out column, Gather Ye Rosebuds, Bitches!

May 11, 2007

BREAKING(ish) NEWS!* Julia Brand New Dating Columnist at Time Out New York


Hurray! Someone is willing to hire me!!  Parents "Shocked, Confused"

Now, listen here, people.  For the past two months (since I stopped writing AM New York's dating column), I know you've all been wandering about, aimlessly lost, devoid of direction or purpose, unable to think clearly, steadfastly bewildered, scared and alone, muddled and nonplussed, hopeless and ... okay, that's enough.  Anyway, you probably wondered to yourself, "Self, where should I get all my dating advice now that Julia no longer writes an actual dating column and instead just posts photos of herself on her blog, not smiling in the exact same way every single time??"

Well, Self - Your Self, that is - the brilliant weekly magazine Time Out New York has come to your rescue, and by "your" of course I mean mostly my ex-boyfriends, who are relieved that now I'll have to go on dates with new men instead of emailing the old ones at 2 am to wonder angrily why they're taking other women to Jamaica and Dubai and London and the Bahamas, even if I did dump (most of) them in the first place.  (Whatever.  It's not like I gave them permission to actually enjoy life without me.)

Right.  So my new column - called BLANK (we'll get to that in a second) - will run every week in Time Out's print edition and at the following URL - www.TimeOutNewYork.com/dating.  Bookmark it, bitches!  Please?

Now.  As for that name ... here's the deal.  I couldn't think of anything absolutely beyond amazing (or even, you know, anything at all), so I'm letting other people do the heavy lifting and having a PLEASE JUST NAME THIS COLUMN FOR ME, C'MON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO, EVERYONE'S DOING IT CONTEST.  Look, this will be my fourth dating column (the first three being The Georgetown Hoya's "Sex on the Hilltop", COED magazine's "Sex Editor", and amNewYork's "The Dating Life"), and my fifth column overall (yes, I wrote one my senior year in my high school paper.  It was beyond crap, actually.  It was super crap.  Craptastic, really, if "tastic" indicated more "superlative of crap" and less "sort of awesome").  And you know what?  I think it's clear I'm not really that great with the uber clever column names, and I'm okay with that.  It's cool.  So you do it for me.

In return - cause, really, who does anything for free nowadays? - you'll receive a dinner for two courtesy of Time Out, and you can invite me or, if you're just not that into me (also totally fine), invite someone you'd actually want to sit and look at during a meal.  You'll also get two dating advice books of your choice.  I know, I know, try to calm yourself down.  Breathe.  Really, no, inhale.

And go enter the contest!!!

*Thanks to Gawker, Jossip, and Mediabistro for sweetly covering the announcement, including my personal favorite portion of the press release, which I assuredly did not write: "[Julia is] a notorious figure with a notorious figure."  Two words: obit material.