Okay, maybe not 1600. But that's what it felt like.
Sometimes people don't entirely understand my job, but I think I've finally figured out a way to explain it - if you ever did debate in high school, like, um ... me ... then you've heard of a form called Extemp. Obviously that's short for extemporaneous speaking, but in general the way it works is 1) you do background research on a variety of topics, 2) you're given the specific topic thirty minutes prior to your speech, 3) you write down some talking points, 4) you try to dispense information coherently and, if you're really good, you do it in an eloquent, clever, humorous, or at the very least, not totally cliched manner.
That's pretty much what I do every day.
Usually when I do a ton of segments in a row, it's because some celeb news has just broken (Anna Nicole Smith's death, Owen Wilson's suicide, Lindsay Lohan back in rehab for the 800th time, Britney Spear's leaves the house looking presentable - no, wait. that's never happened. but it would be HUGE news if it did).
But yesterday was unique - I did three networks, but I covered over a dozen VERY disparate topics. I'll just sketch out my day ...
8:15 am - wake up (sort of late, but in my defense, I was up working until 4:30 am the night before)
8:25 am - walk a very sleepy puppy
8:45 am - beat & carrot juice at Liquiteria with Jakob. I'm really enjoying him lately.
9:15 am - Breakfast meeting with my SAINT-LIKE editor Elise at Time Out New York. Go over topics for next six columns, discuss how to make them better, more provocative (less quotes!!), talk about men & why they do what they do. Shake our heads repeatedly at their behavior in confusion/disgust. I love that this is "work."
10:30 am - Get call from FoxNews Live Desk. They want me to come on at 1:30 pm to discuss George Clooney and his medical records fiasco. I say yes, of course.
11 am - Back home, I get the stories I have to prep on for my 2 pm Court TV taped interview for a show called "Hollywood Heat." They want me to talk about a Star magazine cover story from last year on the diet drug Clen, as well as Madonna injecting vitamins instead of taking them in pill form, like normal people. I email a Star employee to try to get the story from a year ago, and I read and write out talking points on Madonna.
11:30 am - FoxNews calls - they don't need me for LiveDesk (although I've already prepped for it). They apologize, but I don't mind! That's part of the job. It's necessarily flexible.
11:45 am - FoxNews calls again - they want me for Studio B with Shep Smith, which is live around 3:30. The topics? 3 - Hasselhoff back in rehab, Keifer Sutherland's DUI, and George Clooney (yay! I've already prepped on him!). I say yes, I can do it, but am trying to figure out how the logistics will work - can they send a car to Court TV? They can.
12:30 pm - I read the stories for Fox, and send the producer back talking points.
12:45 pm - Another network emails - they have me scheduled to go on one of their shows. What are the topics I'll be covering, I ask? They list what feels like 80 ... I decide to prep for those AFTER I'm finished with my 2 pm and 3:30 pm appearances - I can't handle them right then.
1 pm - Jump in shower. This particular taping for Court TV doesn't have hair & makeup (which is really unusual) so I do my own. After more than two years of watching makeup artists render my face unrecognizable through mounds of war-paint, I'm pretty good at it by now. I slather on the Mac tv-pancake foundation, tease my hair, throw on a black blazer, grab my laptop & notes and go.
2 pm - In towncar heading to Court TV - it's on 40th and Lex, so it takes 10 minutes to get there.
2:15 pm - Towncar waits while I tape the two segments. After I cover Clen & Madonna, the producer asks if I can talk about PETA for another show she's doing. I oblige, even though I haven't prepped for it - usually you know the subject matter at least 20 minutes before, but sometimes producers will throw things to you at the last moment, and you just have to wing it confidently. It's part of the job. In this case, I know enough about PETA that I can give soundbites on which celebs have posed, why they pose, etc. They shoot some B-roll of me "working" at an office and "walking down the hall," and then I'm done.
2:50 pm - Back in the towncar, heading over to Fox at 48th and 6th. I feel like I live there, but that's not a bad thing - I work alone so often, that it's nice to be in a place where, even if everybody doesn't know your name, at least a few people do ;)
3 pm - I walk into the studio B makeup room, say hi to the artist, whom I've worked with before, get a touchup, and run down to the newsroom, where Shep is taping, despite being really ill. Turns out that there was yet another school shooting. Breaking news always preempts entertainment stories; I know I'm going to get bumped, but I already have all of my soundbites ready. Oh well - I catch up with Jill Dobson, who's supposed to go on with me. We wait until 3:40, when we're officially bumped, and then watch Shep vomit into a wastebasket as he rushes off air. You don't see THAT everyday!
3:45 pm - I'm done with Shep, but the car's supposed to pick me up at 5:30 for my next segment anyway, so I decide to NOT spend an hour in traffic and just hang at Fox until the show starts.
4 pm - I say hello to one of my best friends from Georgetown, Cristina, who works on the FoxNews breaking news desk - such a stressful job.
4:15 pm - I say hello to the producer for the following show, and sit at a desk to prep for the next two hours. NOTE: I HAVEN'T EATEN ANYTHING YET. I did have a coffee, so I'm not hungry, just wired. I don't usually have caffeine.
4:30 pm - the booker for the show says there are some topic changes. Another booker gives me the article to prep on. Okay!
4:45 pm - I methodically go through the topics, reading up on them, calling some experts to get their opinions.
6:15 pm - I've read the articles, talked to the experts, mapped out my talking points, and am ready to go! I'm particularly proud of my newfound sports knowledge: ask me anything about A-Rod - 54 HRs, 156 RBIs, his contract is up in 2010, but everything thinks he'll opt out early. The Yankees probably won't try to keep him, but only five other teams can afford to pay his likely 30/m year salary (his agent is quoted as saying he wants to get 300 m / 10 yrs). The Rangers would be ecstatic if A-Rod left, getting them off the hook for about 27 m - they pay approx 9 m of A-Rod's 25 m yearly salary. I predict he'll go to the Cubs. It's bizarre how much I'm enjoying talking about this subject. I can't figure out why this is.
6:45 pm - I get a quick makeup touchup, greet my girl friend Krystal and chat with the other guests, both men in their forties.
7:05 pm - Show starts: the host is fantastic, the format is fun, and my soundbites don't get garbled. I'm happy.
7:50 pm - DONE!!! CAN I EAT NOW??? I grab a brownie from the greenroom on the way out to the car with Krystal; we decide to stop by a Carbon party at Socialista downtown. I need to interview bankers for a story I'm doing for Time Out anyway, and Carbon Club is loaded with cocky finance dudes.
8:15 pm - We walk into the event. I spot my friend, the celebrity dermatologist Dr. Bobby Buka. He's a ray of sweet sunshine in this cloud of Brooks Brothers douchebaggery. UGH, finance guys. UGHHHHHHHH. I have never dated one, and I doubt I ever will. I'm not saying that it's impossible to be a fantastic man and work in banking, I just HAVEN'T YET MET ONE.
8:30 pm - I try to make the situation worth my time, so I'm asking the bankers questions for my column, but after 10 minutes, I get told that my notebook is "making the management nervous." Apparently they're not used to people who "write stuff down." It's like I'm a communist! If the party can't be useful, I'm done with it. I kiss Krystal and Dr. Bobby goodbye, and jump in a cab - I STILL HAVEN'T EATEN!
8:45 pm - I get a text from my girl friend Meghan - "Where are you?" - I call her; I'm leaving the West Village, does she want to meet at a cheap diner for a tuna melt? She does. We meet at her apartment on Mercer.
9 pm - On the way to the diner we walk by a Halloween superstore. I have to see if they have any Star related stuff - because I'm making my Shooting Star costume myself. They don't really, but I buy a star wand and two Deputy Star badges, just in case.
9:15 pm - My first real food of the day, a giant tuna melt with cheddar. oh YUM. Meghan and I talk about her career, my relationship, etc etc etc. It's so good to just chat after a long day.
11 pm - Dinner's over, we say goodbye. I'm at 6th St and 2nd Avenue, so I decide - despite my 4 inch heels - to just walk the 15 blocks home. I put on my pink iPod and think about how grateful I am to have a job and friends and life which I LOVE. I'm really happy.
11:30 pm - Lilly's ridiculously excited to see me - I play with her for a bit before throwing myself into the shower to get the eight pounds of hairspray and makeup off me. It feels SO GOOD to take it off!
12 am - Walk Lilly. It's still warm enough that I don't need a sweater, which I love.
12:30 am - Check emails, get ready for bed. Read the Newsweek cover story on women in power - Arianna Huffington is a role model of mine, and I love her philosophy. I thought "oh, fabulous!" when I saw the cover, but the actual story inside is just a boring collection of "My Life" anecdotes - there's not much take-away, nor is there much "this is what it all means." Very eh. I'm disappointed.
1 am - I climb into bed, and grab the book that I'm supposed to finish reading for an author interview tomorrow. It is so bad I want to cry. Oh GOD, it's unreadable.
1:15 am - I write down a To-Do list for tomorrow - write my column, prep for FoxNews appearance at 3 pm, interview that author, switch my plane ticket for the wedding I'm attending this weekend b/c I have to go on the CBS Early Show Saturday morning, call my agent, send columns to Yahoo, send schedule to boss at Star, eat cookies.
2 am - Fall asleep. Ahhh.
Tonight will be on CNN's Glenn Beck at 7, 9 and 12. Also will be on Dan Abrams' show on MSNBC, around 9:55 pm EST.
Watch this week's Lips & Ears, hosted by the fabulous Courtney Friel, here! It will also air on FoxNews at 9 am on Sunday.
Last week's show - taped on Wednesday September 19
On my list of Things To Do If You Want to be Totally Miserable, that's number #3. #1/#2 involves switching lives with Britney Spears or Kevin Federline. So you can see how bad an idea this whole MAN WHO ALREADY HAS A WIFE AND IT'S NOT YOU thing is. Bad. Really bad.UPDATE: Here's the first segment (it was three segments long, you miss the best parts!) And yes, I know my hair looks like a crazy bag lady's. arghhhh.
But, alas, twas not to be. Due to a proliferation of opinions about O.J., the A block ran long, and we were bumped! Here's the decidedly joking video Matt & I made directly after the fact. We love M&J, and we'll be doing the same topic next Tuesday.
Personally, I've never done such a thing, but I have - in a fit of magnanimous but nonetheless bad judgment - given a fabulous ex to a girl friend of mine. I quickly realized my mistake and took him back. Apologies were made, lessons were learned, etc.
You are certainly welcome to watch the segment, but here's my short answer: Oh, HELLLLLLS NO!!!
TOP: Donny Hogan (Anna's half-brother), Peter Nygard (an ex-boyfriend of Anna's), Montel, Don Clark (former head of the Houston Division of FBI)
BOTTOM: Rita Cosby, me
Sidenote #1: I ADORE Rita - not only is she an exemplary journalist and incredibly sweet person, but she was the very first anchor ever to interview me on camera, back on FoxNews in 2003. I had no idea how to do remote back then, so I sort of shifted my eyes back and forth from side to side instead of looking straight into the camera. The effect was much like that of a white, preppy, female Ray Charles.
Sidenote #2: Peter Nygard, Anna's ex-boyfriend, asked me out after the show (I accompanied him to the Fashion Rocks concert). Just think, if we got married (um, not happening), I could say "We met on MONTEL!" Which I bet is something you don't hear that often.
What you should do instead of having sex with your ex.
This is where I said - um, and I'm paraphrasing here - "Maybe more men SHOULD have a negative body image. Jesus, have you seen the average man's body? Get yo'self to the GYM, foos'!" I didn't actually say "foo" but I wish I had. My thinking on this is that it's really unfair that women feel like crap about their bodies 145% of the time, while men, who have paunches and saddle bags of their own, aren't even acquainted with the CONCEPT of bodily shame. Of course, I should take my own advice. The only gym I've seen lately is um ... yeah ... no gym at all. Although I haven't eaten a chocolate chip cookie in like, three days, which is a personal record. (It IS Fashion Week next week, after all. Although I'm seriously contemplating a scoop or four of Baskin Robbins' Gold Medal Ribbon ice cream right now. Damn them for being one block away!!!)
I think this is one of my favorite screenshots ever. I don't know what I was reacting to, but in my head, there's a little bubble that says "Oh, no you diiiiiiiin't!" and maybe "I know I TOLD you stay up OFF my MAN, bia!" or something. I blame the Ghetto Handbook for these thoughts.
Started out today at the crack of not-even dawn (I was up at 5, and it wasn't yet light out) with a 6:50 am segment on Fox & Friends (screenshot above) talking about Owen Wilson's attempted suicide and Hulk Hogan's drag-racing son. Also taped the lead piece for CNN's Showbiz Tonight, which you can catch on CNN Headline News at 11 pm.
Now on to write my Time Out column for our special "Not in Vogue" fashion issue and gear up for New York Fashion week, which I'll be covering for Star from behind the scenes - from the swag suites to backstage to the parties - and, oh yeah, the shows.
Update: Also am scheduled to do Fox&Friends tomorrow morning at 6:50 am. Same topic.
Nine tv segments in 24 hours. A new record! I'm going to collapse now.
with my lovely and eloquent predecessor, FoxNews entertainment reporter Jill Dobson
(FYI, in case you're really observant, I'm wearing the same dress as I did on The Morning Show last Wed. That's because we taped Lips & Ears about an hour after that. So I didn't change ... I don't know why I feel the need to justify my sartorial repetition, but apparently I do. sigh.)
Another foolproof plan? Don't actually WANT him to commit! That's how I got engaged to my ex-fiance - I didn't really want to get married. At all. Works every time!
Brilliant, no? That's right, ladies, there's a reason they call me a "dexpert" (um, that would be dating-expert). Well, it's either that or they don't remember my first name. Hmm.
As always, with my fantastic segment partner, Matt Titus! We're at the point where we (unconsciously) coordinate outfits. It's sad. Bright orange dress by J. Crew, btw. I can't decide if it's really cool or a bit much. Probably both.
From Glenn Beck on Monday night, discussing ... yep! K & B, ya'll! (And how badly they're messing up those little chubby kidlet muffins they made together)
Watch today's Morning Show with Mike & Juliet on game playing. Yes, I own The Rules. Yes, I'm a fan. Yes, they're highlighted. I know, I know. You're shocked. What? You think I got men with my sartorial brilliance? Um, no. (Hmm ... has anyone ever gotten a man with her sartorial brilliance? Perhaps Men's Vogue could enlighten us.)
(**We can have a debate about The Rules when I'm not on deadline for a column, but it pretty much comes down to this for me: they freaking WORK. Look, it would be lovely to go against basic psychology, and don't think I haven't tried - calling when I want, telling him exactly how I feel, etc etc - alas, my track record with that is like, 0 for 179. Which is more than enough to convince me. Although, this is coming from a girl who spent Saturday night watching Bridget Jones' Diary - on TBS!! Dinner & a Movie, for christssake!! - alone in her apartment, reveling in the cliche of it all. Mmm.)
Watch today's Mike & Juliet Relationship 101 segment: Secrets Couples Keep from Each Other
(Also, see - as usual - my hair look horrifically craptastic. Jesus, you get ONE BAD HAIRCUT FROM A CRAZY UNLICENSED STYLIST WITH A MULLET and you're punished for months ...)
At what is practically the middle of the night, I'll be talking Paris Prison talk.
I've never said this before, and you'll probably never hear me say it again, but I actually agree with Andrea Peyser's assessment of the situation. Too bad she had to go for the sexual jugular at the very end ... I mean, Paris is many things, but an "ignorant slut"? Eh ... Ignorant like a fox. As for the s-word, well, I think it's completely inappropriate to use that term, pretty much ever. My problem with Paris has nothing to do with her sexual activity or supposed promiscuity, and bringing that into the discussion almost negates the rest of Peyser's (rather solid) argument - that Hilton is a spoiled, obnoxious brat who has never been told "no."
So yes, I'm finally and irrevocably against her. I always thought she was amusing, deceptively clever, and played her role well. But the whole "I have mental distress from going to jail so how about I just stay home instead" thing rubbed me the wrong way. JUST SERVE THE GODDAMN TIME!! Seriously, how hard is it to pretend it's a very, very spartan version of rehab, which is so totally in right now? Also, an opportunity to lose weight (like, hurray! Usually those cost money!) This is why she didn't make it as an actress. And for christssake, it's two freaking weeks!! TWO WEEKS!! I've gone camping (essentially the same thing, but more mosquitoes) without cell phones/mattress material/toilets for that long!! (and you know if I can do it ...)
Anyway, whatever. Just watching the cameras swam her house during the debacle as if it was actually relevant to people's lives made me ill. I'm thinking of pulling a Lloyd Grove ban and never speaking/writing/thinking of her again, except in my case it wouldn't be to get attention for my gossip column, it would be to continue my clearly naive and misguided belief that this world is a fair and just place.
On FoxNews' Fox&Friends this fine Saturday morning, talking politics - GIRL POLITICS, BITCHES! Specifically, explaining the key "cool" voting bloc of 2008 - dubbed "Single Anxious Females" (first mentioned in a New York magazine article a few weeks ago).
Unmarried women make up 25% of the voting public, and this particular demographic will supposedly replace the proverbial "soccer moms" of the Clinton years and the "NASCAR dads" of the Bush era. More "King of the Hill" than "Sex and the City," Single Anxious Females aren't a sure shot for either Dems or the GOP (oo! possible swingers! exciting!) although Hillary has been courting them hard-core. They're described as young (18-44), not affluent (most make under 30k), uneducated (14% have college degrees), with a predilection for moving frequently, country music (ew) and heavy tv watchage - 4.22 hours a day (WTF!! Who has that much time!? and yes, I realize "watchage" isn't a word. It should be, though.)
In any case, these fems are PISSED about the "direction" of the country ("I said LEFT! GO LEFT you asshole!") and they want change, damnit! But mostly they just want "equal pay" and "affordable health care," which I take to mean "a living wage" (the nerve!) and "craploads of cheap birth control." Then again, with all that tv watching, who has time to have sex/go shopping??
Hmm ... and therein lies the insidious sexism of talking gendered politics. Even the given adjective for this new demo - "Anxious" - strikes me as questionable. Would we ever describe men who were concerned or angry about the state of political affairs as "anxious"? Um, no.
Then again, maybe I'm being the pretentious PC police here, which is sort of distasteful in and of itself. After all, a Hillary advisor coined that particular term - the writer of the NY mag piece wanted to call them Single Hungry Females. Nothing like including the anorexics for once! (Perhaps Nicole Richie could be the spokesgirl).
That said, "hungry" isn't terribly inaccurate, even if it's easily misconstrued to be slightly beside the political point. (I'm guessing the writer meant "Hungry for change" but I can't help but read it as "Hungry for cookies." Mmm. Cookies. ) I suppose it's better than Single Dieting Females, although that's really redundant. Except, um ... Did I mention I had Mac & Cheese for dinner, chased by a Milky Way and a 500 calorie espresso chocolate-chip cookie? Ugh. Single Binging Females is more like it.
Today on The Morning Show with Mike & Juliet - Relationship 101: Moving In with Your Significant Other
My take: When you start to think of your apartment as an expensive and extremely inconvenient closet, it's time to move in with your beau. Or boo. Whatever you call him. As long as you're on the same page about why you're moving ("so she can do my laundry more efficiently" may not go over well, but I suppose at least you're being honest), what you'll do with the expenses (nickel & dime, split 50-50, divide according to income, or my personal favorite - let him pay for everything!), how you're going to deal with stuff (you get all of the closets, he gets a drawer, and yes, at least one joint IKEA meltdown is mandatory), and of course, the various ways you'll lie to your disapproving family (I highly recommend just not telling them, and if that doesn't work, insist you're still a virgin and the mere thought of sleeping in a bed with a boy shocks - just shocks - you. Hint: hide your bondage gear.)
Huffington Post media columnist Rachel Sklar analyzes what she views as FoxNew's anti-fat prejudice today, citing the Hannity & Colmes segment I appeared on last Friday as an example. Although I agree with most of Rachel's interpretation, I wouldn't say it's so much anti-fat prejudice as a disproportionate and inappropriate focus on women's looks, which seems to get in the way of a rational discussion about the substance of their opinions.
In other words, if we want to debate whether Rosie insinuated the troops were terrorists, fine. But the idea that it's somehow valid to endlessly denigrate her physical appearance is just so ridiculously and gratuitously beside the point, it should go without saying. Except that in every single public debate about Rosie of which I've been a part - and there have been many - her detractors have brought up her body, face, or sexuality (which is equally irrelevant!)
Witness the following abridged transcript from the show last Friday:
Hannity & Colmes, Friday, May 25, 2007Might I add that Curtis isn't exactly svelte himself and, to top it off, was wearing a red beret to disguise his bald head?
Hannity: If we referred to America as a terrorist nation - if we called our troops terrorists - and she did say it - if we talk about our president as being a dictator ought to be tried at the Hague - these irresponsible comments were accepted by ABC - why does she get a pass, because she's a liberal?
Julia: You know, I don't actually think she called the troops terrorists, but I don't think that's really about this, this is really about ...
Hannity: Excuse me, I'll read you the quote "655,000 Iraqi civilians have died, who are the terrorists?"
Julia: Listen, I absolutely understand what you're saying, but as far as ABC is concerned this is really about the money, it's about the ratings, they're not concerned about the political viewpoints.
Colmes: By the way, Julia, ABC has denied that the dressing room was trashed. That was in the Post, it was reported, but it's been denied. So we don't know whether it happened or not.
Julia: But we do know that they drew mustaches on Elisabeth Hasselbeck's photos. That's third grade behavior!
Colmes: But that was not Rosie. Here's the deal, Ellis, on this show we talk a lot about Imus and Opie & Anthony and defending their right to say things that are over the top. We should also defend Rosie O'Donnell's right to say things that we agree or disagree with - it doesn't matter whether we agree with her or not - this is not about agreeing with Rosie ... It's about the right to say what is a point of view - extreme though it might be - that you can still say it and not be criticized or ridiculed for saying that point of view.
Ellis Henican: And most of us who are in the business of providing provocative and engaging opinions understand that that's something precious we really need to defend. The fascinating thing with Rosie is she's brilliant at getting under the skin of people that she disagrees - she angers Curtis and she angers Sean. Why does she rattle you guys so much, that's what I want to know?
Julia: Absolutely! Why do you care?
Ellis (to Curtis Silwa): Who cares!? Who cares what she says!? She got under your skin! She rattles you!
Curtis Sliwa: The blob has her own blog!! If you're a sycophantian lackey of Rosie O'Donnell, you can see her at home stuffing the cookies in her face, the blob working her blog!! (mimes stuffing cookies in his mouth)
Julia: But once again, you're making ad-hominen attacks! Why go and insult her attractiveness? That's absolutely unacceptable. If you want to insult her viewpoints, do that, but why go for her attractiveness?
Colmes: Good for you! Good for you, Julia!
Curtis: Excuse me, the fact that I'm watching her attack my President and my country, and she looks like Linda Blair in the Exorcist with her head ready to explode!
Julia: But this has NOTHING to do with what she looks like! You said earlier that it ultimately came down to the fact that Elizabeth is cute and Rosie isn't. But if you had two men in an argument, at what time would you ever hear them say "Oh, you know, this fight is really about their relative attractiveness." You would never, ever, ever hear anyone say that!
Curtis: Elisabeth Hasselback is the only person on that hencluck show called The View who has any decent basic values about America.
Colmes: I think Julia is exactly right. You don't like the way she looks and that should not be fair game! Julia, you're exactly right.
Ellis: It's anti-fat prejudice maybe!
Julia: It's just unacceptable to draw her personal appearance into any of these arguments and we've time and time again gone back to the fact that she's supposedly a "fat lesbian." That's just irrelevant!
Curtis: I didn't say that, you said that! I said "the blob has her own blog!"
Ah, the irony.
Oops - you missed it! Probably "sleeping" or some shit like that. Nice life, lazy. Screenshots and a reenactment below, for your benefit -
Anchor: Who do you think won, Jill?
Jill: Elisabeth, because [fill in cogent and nicely worded answer here].
Anchor: Who do you think won, Julia?
Julia: Uh ... Rosie. And Elisabeth. Also, Rosie. [fill in unintelligible, un-follow-able other stuff here].
What I meant to say (and what I said to myself in the car going home) was "Rosie won on style, Elisabeth on substance. Shockingly." That just didn't come out, exactly. Or, you know, at all.
Double boxed with Rosie!
hmm. Why do I feel like I just came dangerously close to making a sexual joke? That's what I get for staying up all night ...
In any case, will be discussing competing within RELATIONSHIPS with your sig other. I have absolutely no idea why I capitalized relationships in the previous sentence. And because I am Very Tired and Want to Go to Bed Desperately, I'm not going to change it.
with Matt Titus, dating coach and founder of Matt's Little Black Book
In other words, your average bar conversation in Silicon Valley.
Will be discussing a possible Bloomberg run for the White House at 4:40 pm today on FoxNews - specifically whether the sheer size of his financial, uh, package, is patently unfair to the voters (buying their votes!) and other candidates (making them feel poor!). I will be taking the affirmative.
I'm not going to even show you the up-close screenshots, that's how tired/puffy/generally hideous I looked this morning, attempting to talk on Fox & Friends (and later on The Big Story with John Gibson) about the insidious schadenfreude this entire country (and parts of the UK, I'm told) is experiencing over Paris Hilton's imminent jailtime.
Being a friendly contrarian by nature, I took Paris' side. I think I'm literally the ONLY ONE (according to a TMZ poll, 96% believe Paris "got what she deserved.") Look - of course it's not okay for her to drive drunk - jesus, I get upset when people drive seatbelt-less (Corzine, you hear that??), but the unbridled glee with which the nation is celebrating her punishment strikes me as a little ... unsettling.
In general, I think criticism of Paris tends to be unwarranted, due mainly to it devolving into a debate about her sexuality or purported promiscuity, which, in my opinion, should be completely off limits for judgment. She can sleep with the entire NFL and several Greek islands, and I'm not really sure why that gives anyone the right to abhor her the way they do. My thinking was - she's rich, stunning, dresses like a Barbie, and loves attention - I thought I smelled an unhealthy dose of jealousy and said as much.
In any case, after I stuck up for her on John Gibson's show, I received this email from a friend, chastising me:
Never would have thought of you as a Paris supporter. The reason people can't stand her isn't jealousy, but because she never does anything positive with her fame. If she even just set a good example, telling kids to stay in school and work hard, that might make her a little more acceptable instead of the punchline of a dirty joke. Then again, she had all the best given to her (best schooling, best life) and she just pissed it all away because she never gives any consideration to having to work for herself.
The Lone Paris Hilton Supporter - 0.
Everyone Else Who Thinks Paris Hilton is a Tool - 259,999,999
I concede defeat.
Last week, we covered the following ground:
Rosie, and specifically why I haven't been asked to be a guest cohost on The View (I'm not a lawyer, or a lesbian. Last time I checked. I'm sure we could work something out, if that's what they needed.)
Sex predators, Miss America. Somehow they make sense together.
Anorexic is the new Crack Whore. Obvs. It's way cheaper, too.
And finally, a little sex-tricking. Um ... right. The guy told her that he needed to "apply her medicine" via his schween. Really, you can't make this shit up.
Unless that's one of your fantasies, in which case, by all means, go apply your meds.
Or watch a clip of that show here:
Although you might say, very, very clearly: "Hair Stylist, please DO NOT cut ridiculous amounts of layers so I look like Jennifer Aniston in 1995," what they may hear is "I want to look JUST LIKE Jennifer when she was really, really unattractive! Three inch layers are AWESOME. Please butcher my hair!!! No, really, do it!! And while you're at it, MAKE SURE IT WILL TAKE YEARS TO GROW OUT!!!"
Screen shots from Redeye last Saturday April 14, below. It's headband-and-ponytail season for me from now on.
Here on Redeye, we only talk about Serious Important News ...
like strip club fees.
And Katie Couric's SEVENTEEN-YEARS-YOUNGER Boyfriend.
Personally, I think it's hot to be a cougar. I'm all about that. Except if I tried to go 17 years younger, I'd be dating 3rd graders.
Except maybe this one. Classic.
This week, major goals. Well. Goal, singular. I vow to say one thing - just one - that actually resembles a coherent thought and/or argument.
Julia Allison: Not afraid to dream big.
And now, enjoy the mirth-centric screenshots from last week ...
with the much, much funnier - and blonder - Noelle Hancock
Although if one more of my friends (and by "friends" I mean people I tangentially know in media) says they've been on it/are going on it/will soon be a "nightlife" correspondent for it, I'm going to start calling RedEye the Town Bicycle of cable news shows. HAVE SOME STANDARDS, Greg!
But start tomorrow.
I don't think I've been up that early in ... well ... maybe ever? My only question is, who the fuck else is up at 7:20 am to watch it??? Besides my grandmother.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Whatever, Anna Nicole Smith's story NEEDS TO BE TOLD. And if, by god, they tell it at 7:20 in the morning, SO BE IT.
I CAN HARDLY HANDLE THE EXCITEMENT.In fact, I practiced my sober "Anna-Nicole-funeral" facial expressions last Tuesday on FoxNews' endearing new show RedEye, hosted by the insanely energetic (without crack! I think!) Greg Gutfeld...
Despite being on the show the entire hour, I never actually said anything of substance, but I did laugh a lot at everyone's jokes. Which is why they liked me, I think. Perhaps if I had learned that lesson earlier in life, I'd have a few more fans and a few less, uh ... non-fans. Smile and nod, right?
with the adorable "ombudstud" Andrew Levy.
Actually, I attended New York mag's Oscar viewing party, although if "Oscar viewing" meant "sort of glancing occasionally at the TVs parked in the corner of the Spotted Pig while downing whole vats of cheese (the only non-meat thing they had on the menu), and gossiping shamelessly with various of my favorite reporters," then, yes, I viewed the Oscars.
Whatever, what's the point of having TIVO if you don't use it?? Besides, fast-fowarding through the boring speeches must be almost as gratifying as being that guy who cues the music to drown out a "talker." Almost.
So I'll be talking about that today on Neil Cavuto's show, 4 pm.
Personally, I blame TrimSpa.
Okay, obviously not. I'm pontificating about the Rosie-Trump tiff. Of course!
Wait, is my confinement to feud-analysis because I don't have a nice enough rack? If so, I'm willing to go
head to head chest to chest against Rachel Sklar or Amanda Congdon so I can start doing political commentary (or getting tasered) instead of merely praying Trump hasn't yet seen any of the half dozen times I've dissed him on national television. Do you think if he had, he would sue me or just have one of his friends steal my boyfriend? That would be hard, of course, because I keep several decoy boyfriends around, just in case.
Today I'll be on Fox News doing a blink-and-you'll-miss-it segment about a subject on the hearts and minds of the American people:
STAR JONES IS LEAVING THE VIEW
According to People magazine, "After The View cohost Star Jones Reynolds announced on the air Tuesday that she would leave the show in July, her network had a response: Leave now. "
Translation: "Get the F--k Out, You Big-Boned Biatch!" Um ... does this mean they won't do a montage?
Look, I rarely watch the View. My only connection is that I once met Barbara Walters and she bamboozled me with a really flattering comment that in no way could ever be true (I still fell for it because I'm a gullible sucker. And most people don't say nice things to me. Damn her!). I also met Star Jones, for about 160 seconds, and she didn't make nearly as flattering or fictitious of a comment, so you can see where my allegiance falls. Walters, obvi.
But from what I can gather, thanks to intensive research on Page Six, various clips off of YouTube, and
Whatever. I'd rather talk about THIS video instead:
Thanks to my fellow former-DC Hussy Jessica Cutler for bringing it to my attention. She always manages to have procrastination worthy activities on her blog, like looking at her naked stomach and various readers' dicks. Good times.